Today is about doing my best. Barry has been encouraging me to go to Aqua Fit classes for a while now, and so has my doctor if the truth be known. I'm not totally against it, it is just that I have a number of legitimate excuses as to why not.

I guess the first is my deep seated memory of being in spinal rehab and spending hours in the pool as part of my rehabilitation. The second is that I don't really like getting wet, unless of course there is a sandy beach involved. The most compelling reason is, this winter it actually hit -40 Celsius here. Now seriously folks who would want to leave their cozy fireplace in the family room, in the dark of night, which arrives at 4.30pm and get into a pool. Not me!

Pain and lack of sleep are also not the best motivators so I have been dragging my heels.

On Saturday the clocks changed and it is almost 7.30pm before the sun sets. The temperatures are all above zero and the sun has been shining for days. So what was my most legitimate reason is gone.

I had been asking my Physio if I could try yoga again right up until about a month ago and at that time he said I was close but not ready. He doesn't have to tell me now, I can't even do most of my Physio stretches anymore. But I know for sure yoga is one of the things I'm looking forward to most when I can do it again. I asked about Aqua fit, I got a tentative okay, but don't overdo it.

I saw my doctor and asked about Aqua Fit, he laughed and told me to be careful but to give it a try. I had to laugh back because he said for safety sake to make sure Barry is with me!

We had our first session and I lasted twenty minutes of a 45 minute session, and I have to admit is was painful even though there was no impact. I spent another twenty minutes in the therapy pool and tried to keep moving slowly. The next day I was a little worse in the morning but absolutely no bad affects after that. Guess where Barry and I are headed again tonight?

One of my readers pointed out that she doesn't have physical pain, but does have more than her share of emotional pain. From what I am learning though my own research and the Mindfulness course I am doing, there is a very strong link between both.

Those of us who feel more physical pain (in particular fibromyalgia patients) can usually track back to its onset, and see that we were dealing with a very difficult time emotionally. So what I want to say to those reading who live with chronic emotional turmoil, do your best to deal with it, or else you may be adding chronic physical pain to your emotional distress. In fact there are people in our chronic pain class that are there for emotional pain alone. Meditation does help both. In his book The End of Stress as We Know It, Dr. Bruce S. McEwen, states that prolonged or severe stress can actually weaken the immune system, strain your heart, damage memory cells in your brain, and deposit fat at your waist and buttocks which is a risk factor for heart disease and cancer. Stress also has been implicated in irritable bowel disease, aging, depression heart disease, rheumatoid arthritis, diabetes, just to name a few. So having stress as an inevitable part of your day is not to be taken lightly. You are setting yourself up to become sick.

The sun is shining and that helps with mood especially after the long winter we have had. Although I can't go for a walk, I think it is only a short time away till I can sit on the deck while writing and reading.

I have also recently learned that taking vitamin D can help with chronic pain. It appears as though this vitamin has many benefits. We all know how it affects mood and is said to help prevent cancer - and now pain relief. It is worth looking into. It is effective only when taken in large doses so you need to read the specifics around it before taking it. I have heard from a doctor not to take it if you have sarcoidosis or are prone to kidney stones. So unfortunately that leaves me out.

With spring around the corner I am finding myself feeling the hope of a good summer. I love to garden, fish and be out on the boat taking pictures. That's my goal moving forward, to think about what I want for the future and plan on it.

Today started in an omg kind of way. I had an appointment at the hospital for physiotherapy one hour before I was scheduled to do a half shift of Pet therapy - at the same hospital.

Let me back up a bit. If you have been reading along, you know I have been having poor concentration because of lack of sleep. I would have never scheduled both on the same day, let alone within an hour of each other.

I haven't done a pet therapy shift in a couple of weeks and really wanted to get back to it, as I know I will be missing it so much after my surgery. The accommodation they made for me to be able to go was so kind. Someone set up for me, I didn't have to walk far, and Mary agreed to take half of the shift so it wasn't too long for me. I was all set. That is until I made the Physio appointment for right before. It didn't leave me enough time in between to go home and get the dog. With a clear head I would have spotted this problem and fix it while there was still time, but blinded by lack of sleep and pain, I now had a dilemma. Once again I am thankful for Jerri. Her young brain put it together for me. She would take me to Physio, bring the dog, and while I was at Physio she walked Whinnie and brought her back just in time for her pet therapy stint. It was fantastic shift that was very busy with a diverse group of doctors, nurses, patients and visitors. Whinnie and I loved being on duty again and it was honestly great to get out of the house and feel the sun shine on me.

I was able to do something I love because of the selfless acts of kindness from others. Thank you Mary for accommodating me and taking a half shift and thank you Jerri for driving me all over. Both of you make it look easy when I know it would have just been easier on everyone, if I had just stayed home. But because you did that for me I was able to be there today to allow many the comfort of Whinnie. Not to mention the sense of purpose and infusion of positivity it brings to my life.

Is there ever something that somebody does for you, that you don't even know how to thank them for? That happened in this house yesterday. Let me explain.

It's been months now since I was first diagnosed with spinal stenosis and I had surgery this past September. The pain is intermittent in my back, but more potently down my leg and into my foot. When it is active, that's the only way I can describe what happens; it is difficult and sometimes impossible to walk.

I have a lot of little jobs; therefore they have been piling up around the house for that day when the pain is not too bad. The trouble is, that day doesn't seem to be coming. One such job is my laundry room.

Sounds lame, I know. If you have seen my laundry you would understand. It is larger than most and has a smaller room/storage area off of it. It is downstairs, and most days the stairs are a challenge and some days they feel impossible. So we have developed a system. There's an area at the top of the stairs where I leave things for my family to bring down for me. In theory this works very well. When I go down my hands are then free and I have less chance of a fall. Under normal circumstances I go down into the laundry room and put all the various items where they belong. It wasn't the most organized place to start with so you can imagine the mess it was in.

Everyone has one of those rooms in their houses, or at least I think they do, where we hide the "stuff". Mine was the laundry room. Anything we couldn't find a home for got "temporarily" put there. It had gotten so out of hand, that even when I did feel okay, it was too much for me.

Yesterday Jerri and I tackled it! I lasted about an hour and at that point it looked like a bomb had gone off. I needed to lie down so I suggested we come back to it tomorrow. Off I went upstairs to retreat. Ice pack, heating pad and EMS later, I was feeling a little better. I ventured back downstairs and it was done!

It looks clean, fresh and inviting again. There's a large table in there, and there's nothing on it, can't remember the last time I saw the top of that table. Counters are clear and the cupboards are full. I wanted to cry with gratitude. What a gift.

It's hard enough to sort through your own mess, let alone someone else's. So today my beautiful daughter was of service, not just by being helpful, but by being truly there to serve. I had written about the difference in a previous post after reading this article. It really got me thinking about the difference. 

Part of giving is the willingness of the person to receive. I allowed that all to happen yesterday and received it with open arms. I think there is a lesson to be learned in everything. The old me would have had to been down there while it all happened. Giving up a little control was a huge gain for me.

So thank you Jerri for your selfless act of generosity. You showed your old Mom that it is okay to let go of some of that control once in a while, and allow others to do for you.

I'm thinking we have made it through the worst of the winter. I never thought I would be a person who would say that. I used to love winter. When the girls were young we spent a lot of time outside. There were many igloos build and families of snowmen. Every Sunday we would cross country ski. We took them tobogganing and skating. Let's just say we embraced winter. There were many potluck dinners with other families after our outdoor ventures as well. We were social.

There came a time when bit by bit I couldn't partake in most of those activities however I still accompanied them whenever I was able to tag along. If not, I would met up afterward for the potlucks.

As my pain worsened I wasn't able to do much physical at all, and I needed to nap most afternoons so it became the time when they all went off on some winter adventure while I rested. At first it was such a necessity that I didn't feel left out or that I was missing anything. As time when on, my mobility and pain challenged me more and more. I knew how much I was missing but there wasn't anything I could do to change that.

So getting back to the winter in my life right now, it has become an obstacle to living a full life. With balance issues any ice makes it dangerous. The snow makes it almost impossible for me to get groceries and wheel the cart to the car and I need a cart because I can't carry groceries bags to the car. The freezing temperatures make joints ache. And on and on. What is most difficult is the long hours without activity.

I have started writing and doing writing courses in the winter. I take a meditation class weekly along with editing photos. For now, that's about all I can tackle, but in the past and looking ahead, winter is a great time to try something new.

There are many things that help with pain, one of them surprising is being creatively. So if you have ever wanted to take a course such as; woodworking, pottery, music, painting, photography, the winter is a perfect time to do that. If getting to the course is a problem for you, then online courses offer an array of things that you won't have to leave home to do. Sometimes finances stopped me from taking courses but not now. The Internet is filled with free online courses, some educational and some just for fun. Check out EdX or writersvillage.com or have some fun and Google free online courses. Pinterest is another way to spend some fun creative time.

So the bottom line is theres no need to be bored, there's lots to do right from home. Speaking of which, I have to run and get ready for my pain management/mindfulness course.

I gave myself a deadline.  I could wallow a bit, feel a bit sorry for myself, get all of the negative thoughts out and then I had to move on.  Friday afternoon was my soft deadline and the end of the weekend is the hard deadline.  I chose to do this because if gives me freedom to let it all out but then get on with life afterward.  I have found this to be helpful in the past because I have noticed that if not given a voice the fear, anger, disappointment will raise it's ugly head in some form or another, so I might  as well give it permission.  
Vulnerability is a curious thing.  it is not seen as a positive or even useful emotion in our society.  We are constantly reassured and bolstered up when we are feeling down about anything.  A little soul searching and tears are not the end of the world. I am a honest person, some may say honest to a fault, andI have always felt it important -- yet when it comes to pain, honesty is a funny thing.  When asked "How are you?"  you learn quite quickly who to answer honesty.  Let's face it, no matter how close a friend or family member is nobody, and I mean nobody, wants to talk about somebody's pain all the time.  It is depressing.  I get sick of saying it myself. So I try to be the stoic person who has pain and health issues, but gets on with life anyway. 
 When handed a fresh crisis like this one, I need a little break from being stoic. I need to have a planned break down and let it all hang out, but only for a short time.  It's a slippery slope.  Depression can take hold and you can feel justified in it's existence, so you have to be very careful.  The "poor me's" are unattractive and unproductive so they have to have a lifespan and it has to be short.