Navigating, negotiating and eliciting empathy when those around you are also in pain.
Having recently had a a neurosurgery for spinal stenosis I was dealing with not only recovery pain but some complications from the surgery when the phone call came that my elderly mother was in hospital due to a serious fall and she was in bad shape. That news is difficult to hear in any circumstance but more so when you are several miles away.
I got off the phone and knew I had to be there for her. My heart went out to my 87 year old Mom who still lived alone. She was doing her best but everything was catching up with her. She has had to deal with a variety of health issues and a lot of ongoing pain.
My first reaction is to just get there. I know she is not alone as I have five siblings living there with their families yet I know at 87 she needs all the support she can get.
We changed appointments and negotiated my husband's job we were able to make it happen. A full day of travel meant extra pain from cramped quarters, uncomfortable seats and long waits at airports. Add to that that is was February in Canada and the flight delays and cancellations it causes.
I arrived a day later than expected and immediately took on the duty of helping out where and when I could. Generally when I travel my first day is spent recovering but there was no time for that. At the hospital I found the chairs were brutal when they were even available and the hard floors and long walks to get to my mother's room were going to take a toll on me, which they did.
Everyone around me was dealing with their own pain. A sister who had two hip replacements, a brother who while I was there had four cortisone shots in his back and another brother who was scheduled for carpal tunnel surgery the day I was scheduled to leave. My sisters who had been there previous to me have fibromyalgia and Arnold Chairi syndrome. So there was really nobody who was pain free.
Generally asking for help is never an easy thing for me but amongst this group it was futile. I felt helpless many times as I wanted a chair someone was in, or mom needed something and I was the one responding.
I was trying to be pleasant and understanding as my mother, who was in terrible pain, waited for a nurse to get around to bring the pain medication. I was understanding when I heard story after story of my siblings health issues and struggles with pain and what limitations it brought them but when I was alone in bed at night it all came crashing down around me. My legs ached, then spasmed and my back burned and electric pain shot down my leg. Spending all those hours alone in the dark trying to block out the pain was frightening. I used gels, creams, my husband massaged it, I used my ems and tens, during the day a hot bath. Not much was helping. I felt very alone. In my world at home I have my husband and family who help me and ease my limitations by being the buffer for me in situations where I try to do too much or things we all know will cause me pain.
Nobody knows what another feels. Everybody's pain is real and intense for them. I always remind myself of that, but it is difficult when others are so blinded by their own pain they cannot see yours. I shield myself emotionally for the hurt I feel from lack of empathy, but people cannot help you when they are so preoccupied keeping themselves afloat.
What I have learned through the years is to acknowledge with compassion others when they express pain or health issues to me. Friends who have day surgery will get a card or flowers, those with migraines get a listening ear, and finally the most difficult are those that hurt themselves while running, skiing etc get an empathic response because what I have learned is pain is real and it is invasive in a persons life no matter how minor it seems to me.
I got off the phone and knew I had to be there for her. My heart went out to my 87 year old Mom who still lived alone. She was doing her best but everything was catching up with her. She has had to deal with a variety of health issues and a lot of ongoing pain.
My first reaction is to just get there. I know she is not alone as I have five siblings living there with their families yet I know at 87 she needs all the support she can get.
We changed appointments and negotiated my husband's job we were able to make it happen. A full day of travel meant extra pain from cramped quarters, uncomfortable seats and long waits at airports. Add to that that is was February in Canada and the flight delays and cancellations it causes.
I arrived a day later than expected and immediately took on the duty of helping out where and when I could. Generally when I travel my first day is spent recovering but there was no time for that. At the hospital I found the chairs were brutal when they were even available and the hard floors and long walks to get to my mother's room were going to take a toll on me, which they did.
Everyone around me was dealing with their own pain. A sister who had two hip replacements, a brother who while I was there had four cortisone shots in his back and another brother who was scheduled for carpal tunnel surgery the day I was scheduled to leave. My sisters who had been there previous to me have fibromyalgia and Arnold Chairi syndrome. So there was really nobody who was pain free.
Generally asking for help is never an easy thing for me but amongst this group it was futile. I felt helpless many times as I wanted a chair someone was in, or mom needed something and I was the one responding.
I was trying to be pleasant and understanding as my mother, who was in terrible pain, waited for a nurse to get around to bring the pain medication. I was understanding when I heard story after story of my siblings health issues and struggles with pain and what limitations it brought them but when I was alone in bed at night it all came crashing down around me. My legs ached, then spasmed and my back burned and electric pain shot down my leg. Spending all those hours alone in the dark trying to block out the pain was frightening. I used gels, creams, my husband massaged it, I used my ems and tens, during the day a hot bath. Not much was helping. I felt very alone. In my world at home I have my husband and family who help me and ease my limitations by being the buffer for me in situations where I try to do too much or things we all know will cause me pain.
Nobody knows what another feels. Everybody's pain is real and intense for them. I always remind myself of that, but it is difficult when others are so blinded by their own pain they cannot see yours. I shield myself emotionally for the hurt I feel from lack of empathy, but people cannot help you when they are so preoccupied keeping themselves afloat.
What I have learned through the years is to acknowledge with compassion others when they express pain or health issues to me. Friends who have day surgery will get a card or flowers, those with migraines get a listening ear, and finally the most difficult are those that hurt themselves while running, skiing etc get an empathic response because what I have learned is pain is real and it is invasive in a persons life no matter how minor it seems to me.
