The preteen and teen years
Pain creates a feeling of vulnerability like no other. You are alone with it no matter how much support you have from family friends and medical people. The loss of control is in your face every single time it stops you for doing something you want to do and being the kind of person you thought you would be. This is especially true while parenting teens. Being a mother of two teenaged daughters is stressful for any family but being that mother with chronic pain makes the situation chaotic.
As when any parenting at any age consistency is key. The tenancy of a teenager when they want to do something is stronger that any force I have ever known. Couple that with a parent who is in extreme pain and there is a disconnect.
I had to fight pretty hard to continue to be the parent I wanted to be while my girls were going through there normal teenaged rebellion. My resolve was weakened and my need for peace was always balanced with what I knew I wanted for my girls. My husband was a terrific support most times but those times he disagreed with me I felt as through the rug was pulled out from beneath me. I can express myself well and have strong opinions that I can soundly back up however if the issue being raised was raised on a day when my pain was not well controlled, I was at a loss.
I never felt good about it. It's not that I wanted to win every battle -- I certainly do not because I enjoyed seeing my girls become independent and challenge us in respectful ways. I just wanted to be fully present and completely engaged at those moments and that wasn't always possible.
There were so many moments when I felt so grateful for being a strong parent while the girls were younger. It was the foundation of mutual respect that got us through those teenage years. So once again consistency was what mattered, we vowed to stick together as parents at least in front of them and talk it out between us in private and neither of us ever minded telling them after the fact that we had changed our mind. In fact I always felt it gave us a little credibility with them to say we talked it over and you can in fact do this or that with our approval.
We were very fortunate to have teens who didn't push the limits on serious matters, and I know there are a lot of parents out there who deal with that on a daily basis. I would say to those parents, find help. It can come from the most unlikely sources. A teacher, a family friend or a family member. It does take a village to raise a child and it certainly does when one of the parents is in chronic pain.
There are many parenting courses offered that can be helpful as well. Having other parents to talk to and an organized plan of attack when a crisis arises is the way to go.
A word of caution on expecting empathy and understanding of your situation from a teen is not really a good way to go. Most teens have a very egocentric life and that is completely normal, so expecting them to behave a certain way because of your pain is a recipe for disaster. That doesn't mean that you won't have times when they are there for you, considerate and helpful that will also happen but counting on that is not the way to go. It is a time in your child's life that their focus is and should be on themselves and you are a means to an end.
This time in their lives they are out for long stretches of time and don't physically need you as much as they used to however they still need the guidance and love that a stable home brings.
It is wise to use the time they are out of the house wisely so the few times you are in their company is spent doing something together, like watching a movie, cooking a favourite dinner or playing a game.
The teenaged years are a little like pregnancy and giving birth, lots of aches and pains, much wonder, and in the end the human being in front of you is amazing.
As when any parenting at any age consistency is key. The tenancy of a teenager when they want to do something is stronger that any force I have ever known. Couple that with a parent who is in extreme pain and there is a disconnect.
I had to fight pretty hard to continue to be the parent I wanted to be while my girls were going through there normal teenaged rebellion. My resolve was weakened and my need for peace was always balanced with what I knew I wanted for my girls. My husband was a terrific support most times but those times he disagreed with me I felt as through the rug was pulled out from beneath me. I can express myself well and have strong opinions that I can soundly back up however if the issue being raised was raised on a day when my pain was not well controlled, I was at a loss.
I never felt good about it. It's not that I wanted to win every battle -- I certainly do not because I enjoyed seeing my girls become independent and challenge us in respectful ways. I just wanted to be fully present and completely engaged at those moments and that wasn't always possible.
There were so many moments when I felt so grateful for being a strong parent while the girls were younger. It was the foundation of mutual respect that got us through those teenage years. So once again consistency was what mattered, we vowed to stick together as parents at least in front of them and talk it out between us in private and neither of us ever minded telling them after the fact that we had changed our mind. In fact I always felt it gave us a little credibility with them to say we talked it over and you can in fact do this or that with our approval.
We were very fortunate to have teens who didn't push the limits on serious matters, and I know there are a lot of parents out there who deal with that on a daily basis. I would say to those parents, find help. It can come from the most unlikely sources. A teacher, a family friend or a family member. It does take a village to raise a child and it certainly does when one of the parents is in chronic pain.
There are many parenting courses offered that can be helpful as well. Having other parents to talk to and an organized plan of attack when a crisis arises is the way to go.
A word of caution on expecting empathy and understanding of your situation from a teen is not really a good way to go. Most teens have a very egocentric life and that is completely normal, so expecting them to behave a certain way because of your pain is a recipe for disaster. That doesn't mean that you won't have times when they are there for you, considerate and helpful that will also happen but counting on that is not the way to go. It is a time in your child's life that their focus is and should be on themselves and you are a means to an end.
This time in their lives they are out for long stretches of time and don't physically need you as much as they used to however they still need the guidance and love that a stable home brings.
It is wise to use the time they are out of the house wisely so the few times you are in their company is spent doing something together, like watching a movie, cooking a favourite dinner or playing a game.
The teenaged years are a little like pregnancy and giving birth, lots of aches and pains, much wonder, and in the end the human being in front of you is amazing.
