This week my goal is to leave the Callander area at least three times this week. Two will be for appointments, one Physio and the second a bone mineral density test. The third I'm hoping is for something a little more fun. 

My sister Queen arrived on Monday evening and she will be here until Saturday. I want to venture out to a store, to see how it feels.  I haven't gotten groceries in months and soon I will have to start doing those things again. It's amazing how the simple things in life, like that, can become mundane,even annoying;  but when you can't do it  you're shown it is not that bad after all.  I actually miss it.

Being able to choose for yourself what you eat is a privilege denied many.  Of course there are many countries in the world that are so poor that there isn't a choice, and that is devastating.  That's not really what I mean. I'm talking more about in our society and how we often forget the other impacts of being institutionalized. Having spent weeks in a hospital and rehab this year has highlighted that fact. 

I speak to my mother daily, who is now living in a senior's home, the food is always a topic of conversation. The fact that others choose what, and in her case when she eats, has been a difficult thing to get used to.  She hasn't.  I guess I understand more than most because I have experienced it myself recently. When deciding what you would like for dinner each evening it is based not only on likes and dislikes but on what you feel like eating that particular day. The way it is cooked can not be to your liking as what it is served with. When that is day after day it becomes unappetizing.

I'm sure once I'm well and getting back into a routine, I too will complain about getting groceries again.  I really don't want to fall into that rut though. Right now I am able to see we are all so privileged to be able to go to a store, choose our food, and bring it home and prepare it.  So a grocery store visit is on the list.

With fall in the air this week it means changing the summer clothes over to the fall. It's a job I don't much like and right now one I'm not really in any condition to do. Queen has offered to help get that done this week as well.  It will be a full few days, with one outing a day, a walk a day and just enjoying the company of another sister. 

I said good-bye to Valerie today, and tomorrow evening my sister Queen will arrive. It is so good to have the company and the help.

Since my first Physio appointment on Friday, I have been dealing with discomfort and pain. It has slowed me down considerably; I have to rethink my whole plan. I wasn't able to go for my walk on Saturday or Sunday. I'm not sure if that will continue as I continue Physio, but if it does I assume I have done too much and must cut it back a little.

Walking and exercising underwater means you can do so much more, but it also means it is easy to overdo it.  I want to get as much out of my appointments as possible to gain strength, but I want to make sure I am sensible about the impact it is having on me. It will be a couple of weeks before I can get a hold on that.  This is where the balancing act comes in and makes life difficult for a little while as I figure this out. The body has to be healed enough to be able to handle the physical stress of Physio, however at four weeks post op, I am cleared for under water therapy. It's up to the therapist and me now to not overdo it. 

I'm of the belief that the sooner you can get started the better.  Starting early also means going slow, which most of you reading probably know by now is not my strong suit. Eventually I will be having two sessions a week in the therapy pool then adding the gym equipment as well.  Each time I will see the physiotherapist, and he will add at home exercises for the other days of the week.  Each day I will walk once as I have been, then twice a day as time goes on.  It is a rigorous Physio schedule at an outpatient rehab center. 

I'm deemed to being ready for all of this. My mind was ready two weeks ago but my body is weak. I'm not used to having to stop, rest and reset. Even at the worst of times I have been able to push through anything that is asked of me in rehab or Physio.  Things have changed considerably. I tire easily, and sometimes my body just doesn't allow me to go on.  Rest and reset has been the pattern.  Even when I go for a walk here I walk to the park, sit on the bench for 15 minutes or sometimes longer, then walk home again.

I have not increased the length of the walk because I know it's about all I can do now.  I do more and more around the house as time goes by, and that takes my energy. That's real life so I have to get back to that.  I make a coffee for myself now without any trouble. I still can't carry it very far.  Walking and carrying coffee apparently is a skill.  It is progress, believe me.  I remember deciding to top up the coffee Barry had made for me and when I tried, I couldn't lift the coffee pot.  You can imagine my shock at how weak I had become. Now I pour my own coffee, make toast and help in the kitchen and a lot more.  It's slowly coming back and I am stronger every day.  It is just a very slow progress.

It's hard to imagine all of these things when you are healthy.  Hard for someone from the outside to see what happens when there is a health crisis or a traumatic event happens in a family's life. There isn't a way to describe the little things that fall apart and how hard it is to put it all back together. That's one of the reasons I am writing this blog. I try to articulate as much as possible what it feels like to be this vulnerable.  What it feels like for my family as they watch, sometimes helplessly, as I go through the medical interventions. But mostly it is for all of you out there who have ever felt that life has taken a wrong turn and you want the courage and strength to get it back on the right track.  I think knowing that others, and by others I mean all of us struggle a little more than we let on.  It is difficult to see at times and maybe it is all about timing, but every one of us that walks this earth will have a major event that will bring you to your knees.  It may be a physical one such as mine, or it may be an emotional or mental one.  We sometimes see them differently but it takes the same inner courage for both. You have to dig deep within, and you have to have the courage to ask for help.  Asking for and receiving help makes all the difference. This is a time in ones life that pride can take you down.  You must have the humility to see you are not alone on this earth for a reason. We need each other and we need to know how we can help others and have the good sense to allow others to help us. 

In many ways I would say this past year has been one of the hardest of our marriage,yet we are closer than ever.  I allowed Barry in, allowed him to see how vulnerable I was and I accepted his help; that of his and many others.  I'll write furthest about that later but I want to extend a challenge.  I want you are ask someone you wouldn't normally ask for help to do something small for you.  This is someone you have a preconceived notion about. Someone you have decided wouldn't want to help you or "just doesn't get it. ". Ask, and see what happens.

People like to help others, it's a part of life.

Yesterday was a large day. It started with my first water rehab session. That turned out to be wonderful. The temperature of the water is 92 degrees and makes it easy to move arthritic joints as well as those muscles still tight and sore from surgery.

It is a one-on-one session with a kinesiologist while I am in the pool; then I see the physiotherapist.  It was a great first session everyone agreed.  I didn't feel resisted at all with anything I was asked to do, but certainly was sore last night and I am again this morning.  It's difficult to tell if I did too much or if this is a normal level of pain at this stage of post op.  They are very cautious with me given my recent history and the past spinal injury.  I, on the other hand, want to make this work. I feel like I need to move on to this now.

I'm cautious and sensible though as well.  I was given an exercise last week to do but having done one session of ten reps I had nerve pain so that was the end of that.  I ain't waking up that beast for anyone!  I told him about it at this appointment and he totally agreed.

Jerri and Meghan arrived safely last evening and we had the enjoyment of watching Whinnie go crazy when she saw them. She just gets so excited!

It's hard to believe Valerie's time with me is coming to an end. Today is her last day here, she leaves early Sunday morning.  She has been such an easy going, go with the flow person during this time.  Our house and activities is so boring for the most part these days but she was very content to just be.  I'm extremely grateful for that.  Not to mention she cooked all the meals and so much more. The girls love her dearly so they are enjoying the opportunity to spend a couple of days with her. 

Things are moving along. It doesn't feel much like that physically this morning but I believe once I get up and move around I will feel better.  

The further the surgery and hospital experience gets from me the more I want life to be normal.  This is where the real patience kicks in.  I'm much better compared to four weeks ago, obviously, but I am not ready for the real world yet.

Barry and I have only been out together a couple of times in the last four weeks. Both times was at very close friends houses where I knew I would be comfortable.  The other outings have almost all been medical appointments, so it is time to start trying some real world experiences. 

I am overwhelmed easily and tire so quickly that a quick trip to a grocery store left me feeling weak at the cash and needing a nap upon returning home.  That was last week.

Today I planned to visit a store here in Callander with my sister Val.  If that goes well we may even venture into Sears as there are some essentials I do need.

The Sears trip didn't happen, but I did make it to the store here in Callander. Val was my compass, she could see I didn't have energy for both and shut the idea down. I'm learning but I do need a nudge more often than not to stop.

We spent the evening, a lovely one, watching a motivational speech and an excellent movie on Netflix.  The movie is called Elsa and Fred.

It feels like it is a lifetime ago since I did anything on my own, and I am happy I have had the help I needed to get out of the house a little at a time. 

Meghan and Jerri will travel from Guelph and Toronto today to spend the weekend at home and see their Aunt Valerie. It will be fun to have them home again. 

Today is a big day, one I've been waiting for: I start Physio.  It will be a little at a time but I am so looking forward to it.  I'll be happy to report on the underwater treadmill and how it feels and how I feel afterward.  I predict I will need a nap!  Any new venture seems to leave me feeling that way. 

It's been a great week having Val around, she leaves on Sunday morning. We will miss her for sure.  We are so fortunate to have my eldest sister Queen arrive on Monday until Saturday.

I'm thankful for my sisters. I have five of them. Mary, who lives in Ottawa and was by my side last surgery, has a newborn grand daughter so it may be a while before I see her.

Life is good and filled with good people.

Valerie not only came to help us out but spent her birthday away from Charlie to be here for us.  Our dear friends Jim and Julie hosted all of us at their place to help make her birthday special.

It's out of bed and on to Physio for me, I'll report later.

I've had a couple of days that have felt like a backslide. It's been a lack of energy and increased pain.  It is discouraging but not surprising. I'm impatient, all I want is for this fusion to work so a bad couple of days make it hard to deal with. I start to wonder if there is a fluid build up or have I done something to cause it; then Barry reminds me that it has been only three weeks since I had the surgery. I have to remember how much they did and how slow recovery can be.

I don't need to look too far to see an example of that; my roommate just left the hospital on Friday and is in rehab now. She had her surgery two days after mine.  I have a lot to be grateful for.

My roommate, Beverly and I talk or text every couple of days. I also got the nicest, most unexpected call the other day. It was from Liz, the cleaning lady on 5A at Toronto Western. She was thinking of me and wanted to see how I was doing.  She asked Beverly for my number. Very nice people, both of them and it shows everything has a silver lining.

Having my sister in the kitchen has been a great relief to Barry. He manages well with cooking but doesn't like it much, and loves to have a Dwyer sister cooking whenever he can. All of us love to cook so that usually works out. I have no stamina for it now but hopefully it comes back.

Yesterday I had walked my usual short walk to the park and last night we decided to walk down to the dock to show Val our boat and watch the sun set.  It was beautiful. It was also an example of how taxing walking is for me right now. We got home put on a movie and I was asleep within five minutes. It was 8pm. I slept though the movie and went to bed and slept until  almost 9 am this morning.  Little by little I can feel a difference in what I can do but it always takes its toll on me. I tire easily and don't often finish what I start.

If I didn't have the help I have, I would need to be in rehab now, because there is little I can do for myself. Time and patience is needed to see this through, bad days will come and go and will be long forgotten when this is all said and done.

Finally I had the last of the staples removed today (Thursday). We had to get up with a purpose this morning for the first time in ages. I first had a 9AM Physio assessment and then off to the doctors for a check up and removal of the last couple of staples.  9 AM may not seem early but for me to get myself ready it takes forever, so it is about as early as I can manage.

The Physio  clinic I have chosen has a state of the art under water treadmill. It was the first of its kind in Ontario and one of the few in North America in a rehab centre.  They are starting to pop up in other places now.

I heard about this from a friend's daughter, who was working there this summer as part of her university program.  Jenna had talked about this under water treadmill and the wheels were put into motion. I knew from my spinal rehab that the therapy tempered water was crucial to my recovery, and the treadmill had kept me walking and strong.  The idea of the two combined excited me because it meant I could get the benefits of both in one session instead of two. 

When I talked to Dr.Fehlings about the clinic he said it was brilliant, and gave me approval to get the referral started.

I wasn't disappointed when I met the physiotherapist and saw the facilities; they have done an excellent job. After a thorough assessment it was agreed to start only with the treadmill until I see Dr. Fehlings again, then I will work on all other areas. I left there ready to get going;excited about my outpatient rehab.

We then headed to see Dr.Shaw. Everything looked good so out came the last of the staples.  I'm ready to have the healing and bone growth begin. I am in good hands and good spirits, right where I need to be.

Once again friends came through for dinner.  This time it an was Italian theme. The first night Jim and Julie made a spaghetti supper for us and the second night it was lasagna compliments of David and Margie. These are the kind of people who have been in our lives so long they feel like family. We have watched each other's children grow, and cheered them on though their ups and downs.

This welcome home has been wonderful, and we have appreciated the company more than they know. It has been a long haul getting through this but we have had some great people lifting us up.

Today my sister arrives from Newfoundland and it will be a welcome break for Barry and a great help for me.  We are so fortunate to have people around us who really get it.

Despite this being a bad day in terms of my energy and mobility I'm not down because I have so much to be grateful for.  

Tomorrow is another day. 

It is not just the patient who receives special attention. I had a visit from my friend Mary today and as a result, Whinnie is walking around like she owns the place.  Mary has a special talent for doggie pedicures. Otherwise known as paw trimming and nail clipping, the doggie pedicure is an interesting thing to watch.  I have always clipped Whinnie's nails but she has never really liked it.  She would see the clippers; walk away until she knew there was no use and come back and put up with it.  Since Mary has offered to look after the task while I can't bend or get down on the floor to do it, she has loved the experience.  And I mean she LOVES the experience. 

Mary came for a visit yesterday and Whinnie was very happy to see her. You would think she'd run off to another room but no, she sat at her feet.  There was an occasional nudge at Mary until she got down on the floor and took out her tool kit.  Whinnie relaxed immediately and let her work.  I have never seen a dog so completely in bliss while having her nails clipped and paws trimmed. When it is finished she looks so proud of herself as if she has done something special.  She even ran outside to find Barry to show him. 

That comes to my point.  We all feel better when we look better.  That has always been my strategy.  I try to dress every day.  Get up, wash or shower, and prepare for the day.  Don't get me wrong; there are definitely P.J. Days, and there are days when it is two o'clock in the afternoon before I dress, but I do.

I used that same strategy while I was in the hospital.  At first the choice was not mine.  While in I.C.U there are special gowns that have tear-away snaps for easy access to everything. They are non-negotiable.  I did however insist on brushing my teeth, washing and getting into a sitting position before my 6:00 am visit with my doctors.

When I was moved to the Neuro floor I was still hooked up to so much that a gown was still required but I was graduated to the normal 'back-out' gown. Charming.  I did Insist on a fresh gown daily, and continued my routine to be alert and clean while talking to doctors at the now 6.30 am time.

As the days passed, I was being disconnected from various things and finally able to dress in my own P.J's. I usually chose things that are lounge type items so that I can walk the hallways freely without a housecoat. It was one such day I stopped by the nursing station to ask the Charge Nurse a question. She looked at me and looked at me again. I was only visible from the chest up to her and my t-shirt style pyjama top could be mistaken for clothing. I casually leaned on the counter where she saw the I.V line and she laughed.  Sorry she said, I didn't think you were a patient here. You look too good.  I laughed too, because that was my goal.  I wanted to look good for when the doctors arrived to speed up the process of going home.  I had had a shower that day and washed my hair and dressed in my most "street clothes" pyjamas. Granted after all of that I fell into bed and slept for two hours to recover from the shower.

 I didn't get out that day because despite how I looked my MRI had shown them something of concern, but I did two days later.

Anyway the 'fake it till you make it' theory has worked for me over the years.  I don't like to miss out on things and sometimes I push myself just enough to be able to partake; and of course no matter how much I clean myself up there are days when I can't do what I want to do and put myself in front of a T.V for the day.

Then there are the days I have full intention to get on with my day and the shower takes it out of me, I'm done.

I do want to say I am not a vain person.  How I look compared to others does not bother me at all.  I want to look the best I can look for that day and time. 

I guess all I'm saying is don't let yourself off the hook every day. Make an effort and if you have an illness or injury you can do it while looking good.  It makes you feel better about yourself, just ask Whinnie!