Tomorrow marks day fifty of my blog. My intention when I started the blog was it would be daily until the surgery date then weekly thereafter. We thought it would be about thirty daily posts, before I switched to weekly. Since my surgery isn't going to happen in April it has meant I continued. I will see where it goes from here, however I want to tell my readers a little bit about who else is reading.

To my surprise there are people reading from forty six different countries! Forty six! That has really kept me writing. Hello to China, Russia, Egypt, United States, Japan, Italy and to the other forty countries, I appreciate you being a part of my journey, and I sincerely hope you stay along for the ride.

Most of my blog visitors have come to me from those of you who have shared my link on Facebook. So thank you for doing that. You may not be in pain yourself but you never know who around you will benefit from the blog. So I am humbly asking if you would share this link today. Remember not all disabilities are visible so there maybe someone reading you page who could benefit.

We are very close to the one thousand reader mark and we thought it would be fun to try to reach it this week. We currently have 952 readers on a regular basis. She this week, share, share, share and let's see if we can reach one thousand. (Click on the Facebook or Twitter icon below to share).

I want to thank those of you who have taken the time to leave comments, either privately or on the blog. Knowing you enjoy what I am writing and can learn from some of my experiences makes it very worthwhile.

Finally a positive attitude is more than just glossing everything over, we know that. Together we will stay positive while being real. I look forward to moving forward with all of you and hopefully some of your friends.

I used to like shopping. I even liked grocery shopping. I always went on a Tuesday morning to get food for the week and then Friday morning early, to top up for the weekend. It was nice because the store was never very busy at those times and it wasn't too difficult to get a parking space. I would start with a list, coffee in hand and take my time.

That has changed a lot for me in the last year because my mobility has become so compromised. I need to park close if there are close parking places available. If not I use the dreaded handicapped parking with my parking pass. Here's where the negativity begins. I often get a look from some stranger who is deciding whether I am disabled enough to use that space. Once, just once I would like to say what is on my mind.

"Old man, you stand there and judge me yet I am half your age and my legs are in worse shape than yours. I have a spinal cord injury, a lung condition, and a knee that needs to be replaced. Just to name a few. And you stand there on your two good legs trying to make me feel worse about myself"!

Of course I don't say that. I smile and walk away and let him or her think whatever they want to. I can't deny it hurts and that’s the reason I don't often use it. So if you are shopping and see a younger person in a handicapped area please don't make assumptions. We may look good, but wait until we come out of the store and make it back to the car, that's a different story. Let the police look after those who offend this law.

That brings me to another point. It's the invisible illness curse. Many people live with a disability you can see. It is impossible to hide a wheel chair or canes etc. When you have an incomplete spinal injury there is no wheelchair, thankfully. Believe it or not that comes with its own set of problems. I cannot stand for any length of time or walk for very long stretches. I have to say that in every situation. It brings the conversation back to my disability when I would rather talk about anything else.

I'm not alone; there are others who have the same problem to deal with. Many who have MS, Fibromyalgia, cancer, etc. can look normally healthy on any given day. It doesn't mean that they don't need extra provisions made for them to be able to attend an event or get through the day.

My theory has always been to stay home if I don't have the energy to at least fix myself up a little. I often try harder if I feel bad the more dressed up and put together I am, probably means I'm in a lot of pain. Then somebody will inevitably say, "You look great". Don't get me wrong, I love to hear that, but as every chronic pain sufferer will tell you there's a "You look great!" and there's a "You look great".

We hear what your saying by the look on your face. We read your sincerity and appreciate it, but we can also read the look that says, you're not sick, in pain, or suffering in any way. Now to some that may sound a little crazy, but to those who have experienced this you know exactly what I mean.

The bottom line is there are people who love and support you and there are people who question whether you really are struggling. If you haven't experienced chronic pain, it is difficult to imagine getting up and dressed and out to an event, if you are having pain. The person judging you may have only experienced pain in an acute situation. When you have acute pain yes, you generally stay home and don't fix yourself up to go out. Chronic pain sufferers know if we have that attitude we won't go anywhere. If you can manage it at all, it is best to do what you can to get out in the world. We know that, they don't.

It is up to you to surround yourself with those who support you and do their best to not focus on the pain, but help you live the life you want to.

Don't let a stranger steal your joy, don't let the judgement of an acquaintance ruin your night.

I gave myself a deadline.  I could wallow a bit, feel a bit sorry for myself, get all of the negative thoughts out and then I had to move on.  Friday afternoon was my soft deadline and the end of the weekend is the hard deadline.  I chose to do this because if gives me freedom to let it all out but then get on with life afterward.  I have found this to be helpful in the past because I have noticed that if not given a voice the fear, anger, disappointment will raise it's ugly head in some form or another, so I might  as well give it permission.  
Vulnerability is a curious thing.  it is not seen as a positive or even useful emotion in our society.  We are constantly reassured and bolstered up when we are feeling down about anything.  A little soul searching and tears are not the end of the world. I am a honest person, some may say honest to a fault, andI have always felt it important -- yet when it comes to pain, honesty is a funny thing.  When asked "How are you?"  you learn quite quickly who to answer honesty.  Let's face it, no matter how close a friend or family member is nobody, and I mean nobody, wants to talk about somebody's pain all the time.  It is depressing.  I get sick of saying it myself. So I try to be the stoic person who has pain and health issues, but gets on with life anyway. 
 When handed a fresh crisis like this one, I need a little break from being stoic. I need to have a planned break down and let it all hang out, but only for a short time.  It's a slippery slope.  Depression can take hold and you can feel justified in it's existence, so you have to be very careful.  The "poor me's" are unattractive and unproductive so they have to have a lifespan and it has to be short.