Another busy day on very little sleep.  I couldn't get to sleep again last night and it has really affected my day. My head feels jumbled and the pain level is higher when I haven't had a good sleep. I'm not sure sometimes which happens first, the pain or the emotional unrest when sleep eludes me.  
One thing I know for sure is lack of sleep affects so many important functions in our lives that it is not to be taken lightly.  It can cause serious depression in those of us with chronic pain.  
I remember the first time I had surgery and rehab, every time I went to see my doctor he asked about my sleep and emotional health.  I questioned him about it and he told me lack of sleep is the quickest way to depression for a chronic pain sufferer. 

Having worked in the mental health field and knowing enough about depression, I heeded his words and did whatever I could to get a good night's sleep.  It seemed to be easier in those days for me.  I did have disrupted sleep because of the pain but I could always fall back to sleep.  Now I am finding it harder to get comfortable enough to fall asleep and if I wake during a painful roll over, I tend to stay awake.

I'm working on it.  I know, as with the clutter we are cleaning up in the house, there is emotional clutter I have to let go of as well.   Not as easy as I would like but I'm working on it.  
I had a difficult time even writing today because my concentration is so affected by the emotional stuff and lack of sleep.  I know how important this is to my overall health and the preparation for surgery so, it has become my number one priority. 

Tonight I have a recipe for good sleep; hot bath, no electronics before bed, dark room, cool bedroom, meditation and let go of what I cannot change. 

There's a lot of loss with chronic pain. The loss of abilities, the loss of jobs, the loss of independence but somehow for me the loss of credibility is the worst.

At any given time one of my family members can say, I told you that, or you didn't tell us that and I don't have a leg to stand on. Frustrating as that is we have learned to laugh about it when we can.

Yesterday was one of those times. Barry and I were balancing our monthly budget and going through our credit card together to reconcile it. There were some purchases of mine on there and I had money set aside for them. That's were the trouble started. I confidently said I had already given him the money. It was in a small white envelope, I explained. I had been it carrying around in my purse and it was no longer there. I had gone through my purse two or three times. I could picture the exchange. We were in the car I told him, because we were talking about what a great deal I had gotten on the winter jacket. Yes, he did remember the conversation but no, I hadn't given him the money.

Well, I reasoned, if I hadn't given him that envelope where was it?

Then a shred of doubt entered my mind. I couldn't be sure. But when could I be sure really, my mind feels like mush when I'm in pain. Then I did what I often do when I am looking for something. I said a silent prayer, well more like a plead really, to St. Anthony. He is after all the patron saint of lost things. As with so many other times, my mind cleared, I walked into the bedroom, into my top drawer, and pulled out two hundred bucks.

Sheepishly, I walked out to the kitchen and handed it over to Barry. As I apologized he smiled and said, "No problem, I finally win some arguments now that you can't remember anything".

Thankfully we can both laugh at that!

I'm thinking we have made it through the worst of the winter. I never thought I would be a person who would say that. I used to love winter. When the girls were young we spent a lot of time outside. There were many igloos build and families of snowmen. Every Sunday we would cross country ski. We took them tobogganing and skating. Let's just say we embraced winter. There were many potluck dinners with other families after our outdoor ventures as well. We were social.

There came a time when bit by bit I couldn't partake in most of those activities however I still accompanied them whenever I was able to tag along. If not, I would met up afterward for the potlucks.

As my pain worsened I wasn't able to do much physical at all, and I needed to nap most afternoons so it became the time when they all went off on some winter adventure while I rested. At first it was such a necessity that I didn't feel left out or that I was missing anything. As time when on, my mobility and pain challenged me more and more. I knew how much I was missing but there wasn't anything I could do to change that.

So getting back to the winter in my life right now, it has become an obstacle to living a full life. With balance issues any ice makes it dangerous. The snow makes it almost impossible for me to get groceries and wheel the cart to the car and I need a cart because I can't carry groceries bags to the car. The freezing temperatures make joints ache. And on and on. What is most difficult is the long hours without activity.

I have started writing and doing writing courses in the winter. I take a meditation class weekly along with editing photos. For now, that's about all I can tackle, but in the past and looking ahead, winter is a great time to try something new.

There are many things that help with pain, one of them surprising is being creatively. So if you have ever wanted to take a course such as; woodworking, pottery, music, painting, photography, the winter is a perfect time to do that. If getting to the course is a problem for you, then online courses offer an array of things that you won't have to leave home to do. Sometimes finances stopped me from taking courses but not now. The Internet is filled with free online courses, some educational and some just for fun. Check out EdX or writersvillage.com or have some fun and Google free online courses. Pinterest is another way to spend some fun creative time.

So the bottom line is theres no need to be bored, there's lots to do right from home. Speaking of which, I have to run and get ready for my pain management/mindfulness course.