It's been a while since I've written. It's as though I can't complete my thoughts and I ramble. So I kept it to myself. Today I wanted to write because I know it is time to try to get back on track. I have had a lot of work to get my pain level back to a tolerable level, I think I have achieved it, despite two road trips. One trip was to Guelph to help my daughter Meg settle into her new house. The second was to Ottawa. My sister and husband were there from Newfoundland so we made the trip to see them.
I know many of you wonder why I would travel when it enhances pain. My answer is, it enhances my life experience by doing those things. It took me awhile but what I have learned is pain will be present and some things do make it worse, but staying home and not doing the things you love puts you out of touch with people and lonely. I would rather have more pain and the memories of good times, then to be pain free and alone.
It's been a year since my surgery last May. In fact, this time last year I was in the I.C.U. I haven't been giving it much thought but it is as though my body remembers. Today I was emotional thinking about it and all that was ahead of me at that time. I had a moment. It made me think of all the people there now going though similar things. My heart goes out to each and every one of them. Although I don't know them I know their pain, their struggles and loneliness.
It's indescribable how helpless and vulnerable one feels when you are dependent on others for every little thing. I said a silent prayer for strength for them.
I'm free and living my life. For that I am truly grateful. When I go for a walk, water my garden, look at the lake etc. From now till July I will consciously remember how badly I wanted to do those things last year. How very hard it was to be in a Rehabilitation hospital looking out at the sunshine. All I wanted was to be home and enjoy my surroundings. Mostly I wanted to be doing the simple things in life for myself. I've made it. I'm there, with a lot of hard work behind me and still some ahead.mThings may not be perfect, but this year I have that. I have freedom to choose to travel or not, and that is the silver lining to this whole process.
So tomorrow I get back on track. I will walk, garden and live my life; grateful and content to be here to do that.

It's been awhile. I have been writing sporadically, but not posting. They are all posted now and ready for "catch up." As I have always said emotional pain is much harder to deal with, for me at least, then physical pain.
The process of dying, and the death of my Mother, was as hard as I had imagined it would be.
She was so loved, by so many. It's one of those things; you know it is coming, you try to prepare for it, but really there is nothing that prepares you for the loss of your Mother. Her unconditional love is like none other. Not to say you can't be loved unconditionally by others, but a Mother is unique. One that will be missed daily.
For those of you who have not experienced grief, it is a weird altered view of the world. It's as though something shifted, and only you and those around you know about it, because the world keeps going. You, on the other hand have stopped in your tracks, at least for a while. Being out in a store, restaurant etc. feels surreal, you look around and everyone else is doing there normal things. But you are in a fog. What was particularly obvious to us this time was the number of people who are flying to, or from a funeral. I truly never noticed it before. This time there was a lot of travel involved for us. Just the four of us from our family had 48 take offs and landings in ten days. We spent a lot of time in airports and saw a lot of greetings and good byes. There is a lot of grief, it turns out, in airports. Flying was particularly different for me. On our last flight I was in so much pain I stood up for a good part of the flight.
As far as the grief goes, I'm not pushing it down or trying to control it. I know only too well the only way through pain, is just that, through it. You can't positive attitude yourself past it. Having a positive attitude while you are going through it is different and very helpful.
In this world we live in, many believe the only emotions one should have are positive. Not true. It's funny to hear people say, live in the moment but insist upon the positive. Some moments are not that positive, let's face it. Hanging onto negative is not good for you; but feeling real emotion even if is hurts, makes you angry, sad, or miserable for awhile, is authentic and necessary. Feeling richly -- is living.
With that all said. I have made some small goals for myself. To leave the house daily. To see friends when the opportunity arises, and to walk daily. That's small I know but it is holding myself accountable for at least that much, because honestly I feel like doing nothing. What I have learned though is once I'm doing these things I feel better.
As we all know emotional pain does one of two things; silences the physical pain temporarily, or enhances it. I had a bit of both. While in Moms presence I never felt it, but when I would leave the hospital it was in full force. Walking on hospital floors is brutal for back and knee pain. One of my siblings is also struggling now with increased pain, it is so hard to get it under control in this situation.
I will remind everyone of some of the things that help. Start with the basics, ice, heat and topical rubs. Move on to therapies that work for you such as, acupuncture, Physio, chiropractor etc. Exercise, and take general care of yourself such as eating well, seeing friends and meditation and reflection.
Life moves on and we move with it, doing it with grace and dignity is the challenge. I'm up for the challenge. I know I have a secret weapon in all of my challenges now because there's another Angel in my corner.

Dear Mom,
I'm writing this public letter not for you or I, but for all those people who still have their Mothers in this world.
A Mother's love is like none other. She will love you unconditionally no matter what you do, how you act or speak to her, or even when, especially when, you are in troubled times. My father in law once said, you are only as happy as your unhappiest child. He was so right about that. Anytime anyone in our family was experiencing difficulty Mom was feeling their pain. She asked the rest of us to gather our thoughts, prayers and kindness towards that family member. Having 11 children, 19 grandchildren and 17 great grandchildren, you can imagine there was always something going on with one of us. Her mind and heart was probably never at rest.
She had the capacity for love like I have never seen in anyone else. She was sweet, kind and loving. Even through there are 68 people in our family, she managed to treat each of us in a unique and special manner. So much so, we all thought we were her favourite, and we were right, we were all her favourite.
This Mother's Day my Mom wasn't with us, and for the Mother's Days to come we aren't able to hug her, kiss her or present her with a card and gift. As she always kept each of us in her heart we will do the same for her now. All the prayers and positive thoughts she had sent all of us are going right back to her now.
Thankfully I have no regrets. I always loved and admired her, and treated her with love and respect. So I'm asking you to appreciate your own Mother in a very special way.
Being a Mother is like having your heart living outside of your body, so yes we worry, yes we probably remind you about mundane safety things, but we can't help ourselves. We are protecting you as best we can; protecting our own hearts as well, because when a child hurts, a Mother feels it.
Happy Mother's Day, enjoy being a Mother, and your own Mothers as well, whether they are in this world or not.
A Mother's love is forever and cannot be broken by death.
I Love You Momma! The most beautiful person I have ever known.

Mary Dwyer, or as she was christened, Maria Margarita Cochrane, passed away in the early hours of April 27th at James Paton Memorial hospital.

Mary, who was in her 89th year, was born in Grand Falls, Newfoundland on July 14th, 1927. She was Predeceased by her parents Mary and Willam Cochrane and infant grandchildren,John Carlos and Charlee Valerie Maloney and her husband of 40 years, Gerald Dwyer. When they moved into their three bedroom bungalow on 23 Read Street in 1959, little did they know their family would one day include 68 people. She leaves to mourn 11 children, their spouses, 19 grandchildren, their spouses, and 18 great grandchildren.
Along with her sister Kit McCully of Texas, and special sister in law Mildred Cochrane of Gander and a host of nieces, nephews and friends.

Her children Wayne/Joan Dwyer, Don/Ann Dwyer, Queen/Dave Blundon, Eileen/John Walsh, Jim/Loretta Dwyer, David/Marilyn Dwyer, Pat Dwyer, Mary/Sam Parsons, Maureen/Barry Clout, Valerie Dwyer/Charlie Maloney, Ness/Dave Skinner and all of their families were by her side during her final few days. Mary's greatest pride was her family, and that was truly mutual.

What makes a person unique is their relationship with others. To know her was to love her. She cared deeply for everyone. She had enough compassion and love in her heart not only for her huge family, but all of their friends and just about anyone she met. She left this world the way she came into it, surrounded by love.

A life well lived!

"Celebrate and remember, don't be too sad, we all have to go." - Mary Dwyer

With baited breath I traveled home to Newfoundland alone, hoping to get there in time but also feeling as though I didn't want Mom to have to wait on me. I thought she had suffered enough and it was pulling at my heart strings knowing she was lying in that bed, not communicating, waiting, but wait she did.
The 1am flight landed a few minutes early and I couldn't get off that plane fast enough. Praying my brother had come early to get me I rushed through the crowd. I was relieved and emotional when I saw Jim standing at the gate. We hugged, and without luggage we were able to leave immediately for the hospital.
I arrived at the hospital around 1:20am. I spent some time with my sisters and then some alone time with Mom. I could tell by her breathing that she wasn't long for this world. I prayed with her, I sang to her and I told her she had been the best Mother, Grandmother and Great Grandmother any of us could ever ask for. I held her hand and asked Dad to help her along. I felt at peace. I could see the pain was gone, for that I was truly grateful.
Reluctantly, I went back to my brother Jim and sister in law Loretta's house. I knew I would end up back at the hospital that night. I couldn't sleep. I had just turned out the light and my phone rang. Less than an hour after our visit I got the call. Two simple words, "She's gone." I went to Jim and Loretta and repeated those words. We all gathered at the hospital to console each other and kiss her again. Beautiful words were spoken but the most common was "She's with Dad now".
It was 5am when we left the hospital. Arrangements were to be made, but thankfully she was kind enough to leave her wishes written for us. The logistics were what was left.
After a couple of hours sleep I went the the flower shop to do Mom's flowers with my sister in law. From there a couple of us went to the funeral home to do the final arrangements and meet with members of the church to finalize the service.
The next day visitations started. She looked very peaceful and as beautiful as she was here in this life. People came from everywhere to see her and us, and although exhausting, it was a fine tribute the wonderful person she was.
That evening was a short prayer service and a time for people to say a few words or sing. We did both. My words we about her unconditional love, not just for all of us but for everyone she met. At her request "Danny Boy" was sung by my brother in law John, my brother Jim sang one of her favourites "Too Old To Die Young" as my husband Barry played guitar. Barry led us all in another of mom's favourites, "Me and Bobby McGee".
The next morning was final visitation, the out of town relatives arrived. It was lovely to see them. Then on to the funeral.
It was only couple of nights before I found out that Mom had requested for her six daughters to be her pallbearers. An honour to be sure but a difficult job just the same.
The personal touches were beautiful. My daughters and husband sang as people entered the church. As the casket was wheeled into position we all heard them singing "Will the Circle Be Unbroken." Such a beautiful sentiment that we all sang along, tapping on the casket. Then as the Priest and casket started to move, the beautiful voice of my brother in law came through singing Amazing Grace. First, her daughter's with her, then her sons and their wives, and sons in law, and finally her grandchildren.
During the service, the sun suddenly came through the stained glass and filled the church with glowing colour.
The ceremony was beautiful with her grandchildren reading and finally my girls and their Dad sang her out with I'll Fly Away. Finally her grandsons lifted her into the hearse.
We all had a part and her wishes were fulfilled.
We gathered at the cemetery, and said our final good bye. Just as we placed our pallbearer gloves and roses onto the casket a gust of wind came out of nowhere and blew them all around....Mom's humour we all thought.
Her final wish was that we gather and have food, fun and music. Which we did in style.

Saying goodbye is always hard but to say goodbye to a Mother, Mother in law and grandmother who's is cherished is the hardest goodbye of all. We thought about it and wanted to make it fun. She has always been that for us. She was lighthearted with my husband and children and with me. We always had a joke and pet names for each other. Nanny was a fun Grandmother, the one who could make them laugh and hugged them tight. She had that same approach with Barry and I and it was always a lively phone call or visit.
With this in mind when we had our final family visit with her at the hospital it was with guitar in hand. My husband and daughters are the musicians, usually it is Mom and I the audience. I took it to the next level this time and sang along to every song. Not only did I sing so did Mom. We sang her favourites, Me and Bobby Magee, You are My Sunshine and then she asked for Meghan to sing I'll Fly Away. She has sang it to her before and she loved it. This time it was different. The poignancy of the situation hit us in the face. It didn't phase Mom at all. The words are, "I'll fly away oh glory I'll fly away. When I die, hallelujah, by and by, I'll fly away." It is a beautiful song with terrific harmonies with Barry, Jerri and Meg carrying us, myself and my brothers Pat and Jim sang too and with Mom. When we came to the part where it says "I'll fly away"' she flapped her arms like wings and said that's me, I'll fly away.
All of that in itself was beautiful enough but Mom and I had had a plan about the after life. She told me she would visit as a bird. All of that came about one morning when I was talking to her from my patio on the phone. A mother bird was teaching her young to fly and I was watching describing it to mom. She was delighted and felt as though she was there. Then as the little one took off it lost flight and fell ever so gently into my chair. Mom was a part of it the whole time. I sorted the little guy out and then with his momma squawking he took off again. Back to our phone call we both marvelled at nature. I marvelled at the relationship of love and trust between those birds. We compared them to humans that's when she said when she is not in this world any longer she would visit as a bird. I asked how I would know it was her, she thought about it for a while then ever so coyly said of course you'll know your mother.
While they we were singing I was remembering that conversation. A mother never really leaves a child, they just let them fly alone.