Pain Fog: Living in spite of Chronic Pain
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Day 405. Happy and Hopeful.

4/12/2016

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As the appointments in Toronto loom closer I'm feeling happy with my process and hopeful I'm nearing the end of official rehab. I realize that I will be recovering for some time ahead but I'm hoping that the three times a week Physio may slow down to twice or once in the very near future.
The signs are in place that I'm getting stronger. I'm able to do more without as much fatigue, yet there are times when I'm exhausted from the smallest things. The pain is controlled, but doing too much brings it back in a hurry.
The focus has changed from healing to rebuilding. We started work on my hips last week, apparently I don't use them and they have become very weak. I learned after one session how right they are. I ached all over and the fatigue was intense. So although I really need these exercises I really need to go slow with them. That's my next project. I will rebuild muscles and strength in my hips and low back.
This week I will be getting results from extended testing for Osteroperosis. I haven't given it much thought, as I have been busy with rehab and all the components of healing. Although we know for sure I have it we didn't know how extensive it is. I'm really hopeful that medication is not the solution. I will really have to think about it if it is recommended.
In two weeks I will finally have testing to see if the bones in my back have fused. I'm excited and a little cautious with that excitement. We all know what happened the last time. A positive attitude can only go so far. I do believe that everything is as it should be with my back this time but we won't know for sure until the results of the cat scan.
I have two weeks to tweak my strength and healing before I see my surgeon. P I'm going to use that time wisely to be the best I can be for that appointment. I feel as sense of responsibility to myself and to him to make every effort to be as strong as I can be.
My walking program was almost derailed by the fresh snow we have been receiving almost daily. With Spring nowhere in site I have taken to the treadmill to continue my walking.
I have walked almost thirty Kms since I started the program on March 23th. That's 19 days ago and it averages about 1.5 Kms a day. That is not counting any walking including shopping and regular chores. I've decided not to count steps but to measure the walking as anytime I actually go for a walk. So it is over and above routine steps. What I have learned from this is interesting, at least to me. I am noticing it is harder for me to walk on a treadmill then outside. I can walk faster and further outside. Unfortunately since the new snowfall I'm not doing much of that. So the treadmill it is. Since I'm keeping track I am less likely to take a day off unless I have a good reason. Writing it down as made me more accountable to myself. I am at the 2.5km mark now but I'm finding it hard to reach that on the treadmill so it may have to wait until next week when I'm hopeful the snow will be gone.
Baby steps and focus has kept me moving ahead. It has been difficult because of the winter but Spring is just around the corner, isn't it?
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Day 399. Taking my own advice.

4/6/2016

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I'm doing a little better with taking my own advice, thankfully. Many of you may have over done things this past weekend. Easter like all holidays brings company;extra meals, lots of preparation and routines go out the window.
This weekend there were eight of us. Barry and I, and six twenty somethings. It was a very enjoyable weekend and I'm happy to say although I'm quite tired, I survived pretty well. The reasons I didn't over do it are these.
1. I planned ahead. The beds were made and ready two weeks ago. There was no last minute washing sheets and preparing rooms. I asked everyone to strip the beds they were in before they left. They will be remade some time in the future but not now.
2. My shopping was done over a period of three days. I bought Easter eggs and treats weeks ago and put them aside. The groceries of course had to wait but I bought everything in small amounts and anything that could be prepared was as it came into the house.
3. The meal. I had a Vegan, a no meat eater, and a meat lover to feed. So it was a roast beef, a turkey and a tofurkey in the oven. All of which required only minimal preparations. The vegetables had been washed and cut earlier in the week and the potatoes done the day before. When it came time to set the table, get the food to the table and last minute gravy making as well as clean up, I asked and received lots of help. It went very smoothly and I'm happy to say it was a success in every way.
4. Having company in itself throws routine out the window but it doesn't mean you can't excuse yourself and find a quiet time to rest or meditate which I did. As they went out to go for a hike, I went to my room and took the time to rest.
5. Remember to stay in the moment, and let things go. Being a host means you want everyone to enjoy themselves but remember that everyone includes you.
6. I took a lot of short cuts. I'm all about homemade, and most of the meal was. The extras I usually do as in making homemade cranberry sauce went by the wayside. I bought a can of pre made and it was just fine. There was a homemade carrot cake made two weeks ago and frozen for Easter dinner, and for the night before a quick and easy recipe. I made a cake with two ingredients. It was a angel food cake mix with a small can of crushed pineapple. It turned out great and everyone loved it.
We kept it low key. We ate lots, played games and had fun. Isn't that what family weekends are for?
I still have to talk to myself a lot. I want to do everything I once did, but I have learned how that stubbornness just gets me to pain faster, and not able to enjoy the people around me. So I now ask for the little things like the turkey to be lifted out of the oven to be basted, for people to get me things from downstairs to save my knee, and to do anything that requires bending and lifting. I put my stupid pride aside and asked away. For that I got to enjoy my girls and their friends and have a wonderful Easter weekend. Well worth it.
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Day 393. Progress.

4/1/2016

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Progress is in the eye of the beholder. It's Important to see things through the right lens. If I were to look at where I am today in terms of what I can and cannot do I would definitely feel frustrated. What I have learned through all of this is to have some prospective on it. I can be frustrated with the slow snail pace I improve or I can be grateful that the progress is happening at whatever pace it is. And it is happening.
I started a fitness plan thirteen days ago. It felt unrealistic at the time but I needed a goal and it excited me to have a challenge. The good news is it has been thirteen days and aside from the normal walking involved with daily activities such as shopping etc. I have walked 18 Kms in those 13 days.
There were many days, (to be honest, most days) I didn't want to do it. I would tell myself I would start and not finish if I didn't want to. Turns out starting is the hardest part. Once I started the walk I finished, EVERYTIME.
Throughout this process I have had little milestones along the way and it actually started with being able to stand by myself, dress myself etc. That seems to have been a lifetime ago. It was a mere eight months ago. I could not lift a coffee pot for months afterward without causing pain. In the last six weeks I noticed so many little changes that it feels as though something has clicked. Not only can I lift the coffee pot but I can carry it pour coffee now. It doesn't seem like much but it's an indicator, one of many, that I'm well on my way and just in time. I have a follow up and cat scan with my surgeon at the end of April.
I did make a promise to my physiotherapist that I would be realistic and stop if I needed to. There were days when I thought I would go farther but as I got there knew it was time to stop. There is a fine line between pushing yourself and pushing toward injury. Fatigue is okay, some pain is expected but days of pain afterward means I've overdone it. For once in my life, I think I have it and I'm ready to listen. The message is moderation, the message always seems to be moderation. It's never been my strong suit. If I start I finish and usually finish fast. I've always been an "all in" kind of girl, but I'm learning. I'm seeing the merit in taking my time, and being realistic and calculated. In life as with exercise, moderation is key.
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    Maureen Clout

    I'm going in for a 4th neurosurgery; this time it's a repair to my lumbar fusion. Here, I will post my daily updates on dealing with diagnosis, surgery and recovery. Join me on my journey.

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