Tomorrow marks day fifty of my blog. My intention when I started the blog was it would be daily until the surgery date then weekly thereafter. We thought it would be about thirty daily posts, before I switched to weekly. Since my surgery isn't going to happen in April it has meant I continued. I will see where it goes from here, however I want to tell my readers a little bit about who else is reading.

To my surprise there are people reading from forty six different countries! Forty six! That has really kept me writing. Hello to China, Russia, Egypt, United States, Japan, Italy and to the other forty countries, I appreciate you being a part of my journey, and I sincerely hope you stay along for the ride.

Most of my blog visitors have come to me from those of you who have shared my link on Facebook. So thank you for doing that. You may not be in pain yourself but you never know who around you will benefit from the blog. So I am humbly asking if you would share this link today. Remember not all disabilities are visible so there maybe someone reading you page who could benefit.

We are very close to the one thousand reader mark and we thought it would be fun to try to reach it this week. We currently have 952 readers on a regular basis. She this week, share, share, share and let's see if we can reach one thousand. (Click on the Facebook or Twitter icon below to share).

I want to thank those of you who have taken the time to leave comments, either privately or on the blog. Knowing you enjoy what I am writing and can learn from some of my experiences makes it very worthwhile.

Finally a positive attitude is more than just glossing everything over, we know that. Together we will stay positive while being real. I look forward to moving forward with all of you and hopefully some of your friends.

When spring arrives the sun seems hotter, the snow seems dirtier and the pavement seems sandier. That is until the rain comes. The harder the rain, the faster the real beauty of spring can peek through. It is only then we can see the colours of new growth, budding flowers and bright blue skies replace the dullness.

That's how I look at the process of chronic pain. You live in the drudgery of it for so long, then there's a diagnoses which gives a glimmer of light. That light can't be fully exposed until the rains come. The rain is the surgery, procedure or treatment followed by the hard work of recovery. At the end of all of that is the reward, but you have to deal with the dirt, mud and everything in between to get there.

Summer is on its way, literally and figuratively in my life. I'm not looking forward to the rainy part but I know it is necessary.

"Into each life some rain must fall." - H.W. Longfellow.

I would certainly say this is a readjusting period for me. I had a surgery in September that was not easy, but it certainly left me feeling better than I had felt for years. That was for about a month. I was basking in the feeling of having fewer restrictions. I could sit longer, stand longer and walk longer. I wasn't anywhere near going to the gym or living like the average person my age but compared to before the surgery I felt wonderful. I was truly grateful for the break from constant pain.

That changed for me on a beautiful fall evening when I decided to get out of the house with Jerri and Barry and of course Whinnie. We had a goal of a fifteen minute walk. It wasn't long into the walk when I went over on my ankle in a very unusual way. It wasn't a trip, I hadn't stumbled, it just happened. What was even more bizarre was as I was looking down at it I couldn't make it move. My ankle stayed that way for what seemed like an eternity, as much as I tried to fix it, it didn't co-operate. Finally I was able to stand again. Barry and Jerri questioned what had just happened, wondering what I had tripped on. Secretly I knew there was a problem, my swollen sprained ankle was the very least of my concern.

When you have a spinal cord injury the signal sometimes doesn't get to the brain. This can mean a quick mishap, like a fall, or I can't always pee when I need to and various other things. It usually corrects itself fairly quickly.

This was different because it left me with back pain, leg pain, and inflamed nerves. I tried to carry on with the hope I had before this happened.

When I went to Toronto for my surgery follow up, the cat was out of the bag. After a brief examination it was clear that I was dealing with a bigger problem. Nerve conduction testing, MRI, and neurological testing confirmed that there are many different areas of nerve entrapment and two discs that have to be removed and replaced with artificial discs as well as rods and screws. For all you medically inclined here is the link that shows an animation of the procedure. 

This is a big surgery, period. However for someone with a spinal injury it adds risk and the recovery is much longer.

This is not the outcome I wanted, not by a long shot. It is what I have to do if I want to try to experience that elusive feeling of freedom I experienced this fall. It was a short period of time but it left me wanting more. I want to have a little more freedom, a little less pain and most importantly not live under the threat of paralysis. Choosing not to have the surgery would be a wait and see game and I'm a proactive person, so surgery it is!

Today is about doing my best. Barry has been encouraging me to go to Aqua Fit classes for a while now, and so has my doctor if the truth be known. I'm not totally against it, it is just that I have a number of legitimate excuses as to why not.

I guess the first is my deep seated memory of being in spinal rehab and spending hours in the pool as part of my rehabilitation. The second is that I don't really like getting wet, unless of course there is a sandy beach involved. The most compelling reason is, this winter it actually hit -40 Celsius here. Now seriously folks who would want to leave their cozy fireplace in the family room, in the dark of night, which arrives at 4.30pm and get into a pool. Not me!

Pain and lack of sleep are also not the best motivators so I have been dragging my heels.

On Saturday the clocks changed and it is almost 7.30pm before the sun sets. The temperatures are all above zero and the sun has been shining for days. So what was my most legitimate reason is gone.

I had been asking my Physio if I could try yoga again right up until about a month ago and at that time he said I was close but not ready. He doesn't have to tell me now, I can't even do most of my Physio stretches anymore. But I know for sure yoga is one of the things I'm looking forward to most when I can do it again. I asked about Aqua fit, I got a tentative okay, but don't overdo it.

I saw my doctor and asked about Aqua Fit, he laughed and told me to be careful but to give it a try. I had to laugh back because he said for safety sake to make sure Barry is with me!

We had our first session and I lasted twenty minutes of a 45 minute session, and I have to admit is was painful even though there was no impact. I spent another twenty minutes in the therapy pool and tried to keep moving slowly. The next day I was a little worse in the morning but absolutely no bad affects after that. Guess where Barry and I are headed again tonight?

Today started in an omg kind of way. I had an appointment at the hospital for physiotherapy one hour before I was scheduled to do a half shift of Pet therapy - at the same hospital.

Let me back up a bit. If you have been reading along, you know I have been having poor concentration because of lack of sleep. I would have never scheduled both on the same day, let alone within an hour of each other.

I haven't done a pet therapy shift in a couple of weeks and really wanted to get back to it, as I know I will be missing it so much after my surgery. The accommodation they made for me to be able to go was so kind. Someone set up for me, I didn't have to walk far, and Mary agreed to take half of the shift so it wasn't too long for me. I was all set. That is until I made the Physio appointment for right before. It didn't leave me enough time in between to go home and get the dog. With a clear head I would have spotted this problem and fix it while there was still time, but blinded by lack of sleep and pain, I now had a dilemma. Once again I am thankful for Jerri. Her young brain put it together for me. She would take me to Physio, bring the dog, and while I was at Physio she walked Whinnie and brought her back just in time for her pet therapy stint. It was fantastic shift that was very busy with a diverse group of doctors, nurses, patients and visitors. Whinnie and I loved being on duty again and it was honestly great to get out of the house and feel the sun shine on me.

I was able to do something I love because of the selfless acts of kindness from others. Thank you Mary for accommodating me and taking a half shift and thank you Jerri for driving me all over. Both of you make it look easy when I know it would have just been easier on everyone, if I had just stayed home. But because you did that for me I was able to be there today to allow many the comfort of Whinnie. Not to mention the sense of purpose and infusion of positivity it brings to my life.

Another busy day on very little sleep.  I couldn't get to sleep again last night and it has really affected my day. My head feels jumbled and the pain level is higher when I haven't had a good sleep. I'm not sure sometimes which happens first, the pain or the emotional unrest when sleep eludes me.  
One thing I know for sure is lack of sleep affects so many important functions in our lives that it is not to be taken lightly.  It can cause serious depression in those of us with chronic pain.  
I remember the first time I had surgery and rehab, every time I went to see my doctor he asked about my sleep and emotional health.  I questioned him about it and he told me lack of sleep is the quickest way to depression for a chronic pain sufferer. 

Having worked in the mental health field and knowing enough about depression, I heeded his words and did whatever I could to get a good night's sleep.  It seemed to be easier in those days for me.  I did have disrupted sleep because of the pain but I could always fall back to sleep.  Now I am finding it harder to get comfortable enough to fall asleep and if I wake during a painful roll over, I tend to stay awake.

I'm working on it.  I know, as with the clutter we are cleaning up in the house, there is emotional clutter I have to let go of as well.   Not as easy as I would like but I'm working on it.  
I had a difficult time even writing today because my concentration is so affected by the emotional stuff and lack of sleep.  I know how important this is to my overall health and the preparation for surgery so, it has become my number one priority. 

Tonight I have a recipe for good sleep; hot bath, no electronics before bed, dark room, cool bedroom, meditation and let go of what I cannot change. 

Is there ever something that somebody does for you, that you don't even know how to thank them for? That happened in this house yesterday. Let me explain.

It's been months now since I was first diagnosed with spinal stenosis and I had surgery this past September. The pain is intermittent in my back, but more potently down my leg and into my foot. When it is active, that's the only way I can describe what happens; it is difficult and sometimes impossible to walk.

I have a lot of little jobs; therefore they have been piling up around the house for that day when the pain is not too bad. The trouble is, that day doesn't seem to be coming. One such job is my laundry room.

Sounds lame, I know. If you have seen my laundry you would understand. It is larger than most and has a smaller room/storage area off of it. It is downstairs, and most days the stairs are a challenge and some days they feel impossible. So we have developed a system. There's an area at the top of the stairs where I leave things for my family to bring down for me. In theory this works very well. When I go down my hands are then free and I have less chance of a fall. Under normal circumstances I go down into the laundry room and put all the various items where they belong. It wasn't the most organized place to start with so you can imagine the mess it was in.

Everyone has one of those rooms in their houses, or at least I think they do, where we hide the "stuff". Mine was the laundry room. Anything we couldn't find a home for got "temporarily" put there. It had gotten so out of hand, that even when I did feel okay, it was too much for me.

Yesterday Jerri and I tackled it! I lasted about an hour and at that point it looked like a bomb had gone off. I needed to lie down so I suggested we come back to it tomorrow. Off I went upstairs to retreat. Ice pack, heating pad and EMS later, I was feeling a little better. I ventured back downstairs and it was done!

It looks clean, fresh and inviting again. There's a large table in there, and there's nothing on it, can't remember the last time I saw the top of that table. Counters are clear and the cupboards are full. I wanted to cry with gratitude. What a gift.

It's hard enough to sort through your own mess, let alone someone else's. So today my beautiful daughter was of service, not just by being helpful, but by being truly there to serve. I had written about the difference in a previous post after reading this article. It really got me thinking about the difference. 

Part of giving is the willingness of the person to receive. I allowed that all to happen yesterday and received it with open arms. I think there is a lesson to be learned in everything. The old me would have had to been down there while it all happened. Giving up a little control was a huge gain for me.

So thank you Jerri for your selfless act of generosity. You showed your old Mom that it is okay to let go of some of that control once in a while, and allow others to do for you.