Another busy day on very little sleep.  I couldn't get to sleep again last night and it has really affected my day. My head feels jumbled and the pain level is higher when I haven't had a good sleep. I'm not sure sometimes which happens first, the pain or the emotional unrest when sleep eludes me.  
One thing I know for sure is lack of sleep affects so many important functions in our lives that it is not to be taken lightly.  It can cause serious depression in those of us with chronic pain.  
I remember the first time I had surgery and rehab, every time I went to see my doctor he asked about my sleep and emotional health.  I questioned him about it and he told me lack of sleep is the quickest way to depression for a chronic pain sufferer. 

Having worked in the mental health field and knowing enough about depression, I heeded his words and did whatever I could to get a good night's sleep.  It seemed to be easier in those days for me.  I did have disrupted sleep because of the pain but I could always fall back to sleep.  Now I am finding it harder to get comfortable enough to fall asleep and if I wake during a painful roll over, I tend to stay awake.

I'm working on it.  I know, as with the clutter we are cleaning up in the house, there is emotional clutter I have to let go of as well.   Not as easy as I would like but I'm working on it.  
I had a difficult time even writing today because my concentration is so affected by the emotional stuff and lack of sleep.  I know how important this is to my overall health and the preparation for surgery so, it has become my number one priority. 

Tonight I have a recipe for good sleep; hot bath, no electronics before bed, dark room, cool bedroom, meditation and let go of what I cannot change. 

The 3AM monster had me by the hand last night and was leading me through the darkness into the pit of fear. I had gotten into bed exhausted and then lay there waiting to sleep. It was not happening and I had used all of my tricks. I had taken Magnesium to help me relax, made sure all light is out of the room, I wasn't too warm (which often keeps me awake or wakes me). I had tried the sleep mediations and it was one of those nights that nothing was working. I had been having some pretty big naps so it wasn't a total surprise I wasn't able to sleep through the pain.

As I was laying there I was thinking about the surgery and allowed my honest feelings to surface.

I'm scared. Scared of the pain I will endure and the length of time I will be dealing with that kind of intensity. However what my most prevalent feeling is a sense of defeat. I had always been proud of the fact that I was able to walk away from a spinal cord rehab centre. Walk away! Granted it was with the aid of a walker but I did walk away. These feelings surfaced briefly in the neurosurgeon's office but I had been pushing them down. In the dark of the night it isn't as easy to dismiss or redirect those feelings. Losing mobility changes everything, and I had gotten it back once. So I'm lying there thinking about what could go wrong, and unfortunately I have real life experience of what happens when a neurosurgery goes wrong.

Let's just say there's a reason I don't allow myself the indulgence of self pity, it doesn't go well. Finally I slapped myself across the face, obviously not literally but it woke me up. I realized I was heading down the road to despair with the flourish of a drunken sailor reaching for another rum.

I promptly got up out of bed and texted to see if my sweet Meg was still up studying for exams and walked out to the living room quieting closing the bedroom door behind me. Meg was awake and we had a nice chat and even through we didn't talk in depth, I suddenly didn't feel so alone in the world. The sound of her voice in the quiet of the night brought me back to reality and living in the moment.

The cycle of negativity was broken and I was back on track again but I didn't want to risk going back into that train of thought again. I needed a distraction! I turned on the television and watched the latest episode of Nashville. There's nothing a little music (even though it's country) and drama can't take your mind off. It felt strangely satisfying to be awake watching a guilty pleasure. I thought about making some popcorn, but really, that would be pushing it wouldn't it?