I gave myself a deadline.  I could wallow a bit, feel a bit sorry for myself, get all of the negative thoughts out and then I had to move on.  Friday afternoon was my soft deadline and the end of the weekend is the hard deadline.  I chose to do this because if gives me freedom to let it all out but then get on with life afterward.  I have found this to be helpful in the past because I have noticed that if not given a voice the fear, anger, disappointment will raise it's ugly head in some form or another, so I might  as well give it permission.  
Vulnerability is a curious thing.  it is not seen as a positive or even useful emotion in our society.  We are constantly reassured and bolstered up when we are feeling down about anything.  A little soul searching and tears are not the end of the world. I am a honest person, some may say honest to a fault, andI have always felt it important -- yet when it comes to pain, honesty is a funny thing.  When asked "How are you?"  you learn quite quickly who to answer honesty.  Let's face it, no matter how close a friend or family member is nobody, and I mean nobody, wants to talk about somebody's pain all the time.  It is depressing.  I get sick of saying it myself. So I try to be the stoic person who has pain and health issues, but gets on with life anyway. 
 When handed a fresh crisis like this one, I need a little break from being stoic. I need to have a planned break down and let it all hang out, but only for a short time.  It's a slippery slope.  Depression can take hold and you can feel justified in it's existence, so you have to be very careful.  The "poor me's" are unattractive and unproductive so they have to have a lifespan and it has to be short.  

Life never stops when you are having a crisis, however if it is normal life it feels as though it does. If you have had a death in your family, you may have looked at strangers going about their day buying groceries, banking, joking and smiling, all the while you are at a dead stop and it feels surreal that life is going on around you.

This "crisis" of mine was piled up top of another family crisis. My 87 year old mother had a very serious fall and has been in hospital for a month. I had travelled across the country to see her and help with the load my family was dealing with throughout her crisis. It was not very good timing for me as I knew my condition was getting worse and the pain was becoming unbearable. Coupled with that was the fact that my mobility was getting questionable, travel was not advisable. But I had to go. My need to see her, to be there and do whatever I could was over ruling the fact that I was having a crisis of my own.

I went to Newfoundland and did have a very good visit with my dear mother. A visit in which I can feel good about. I cared for her, fed her well, we had honest conversations about her situation, and above all we had some very good laughs.

That was one of those cost/benefit situations. I could have easily said I couldn't go and who could blame me? Those who saw me knew what I was going through, but it was important to me. I was driven to go and do what I could. My husband as always is my safety net and as long as I have him by my side I am able to risk. Risk I did, knowing what I know now, about my condition I am glad I went when I did. Who knows when I will be there again.

So, life doesn't stop, and it can feel like piling on at times, but take one step at a time and know what it is you want and go for it. I am sure glad I did.

I woke this morning with a feeling of death in the air.

I had to think about why I was feeling like this before even opening my eyes. Then it all flooded back. 

The appointment, the four hour car ride home and the many discussions with friends and family. I had a fitful night's sleep; I had to take extra medication to help me ease the pain of the drive home. It did help me sleep better than I would have, given what was on my mind.

I muddled through the day, not doing very much as I was exhausted and still in considerable pain. I did manage to get groceries with my daughter but then had a three hour nap. I have used meditation in the past to help cope with pain and stress, so I meditated three times today. I can't say I was very mindful but I am faking it until I make it now.

I am stuck on the rehab part of this equation. I had spent three months in rehab after a major spinal surgery over ten years ago and I still have nightmares about it. It was by far the hardest time of my life. Who would ever go back to the hardest time of their lives? I had blocked it out and thought it was in the past and here it is again.....in my face.

My family knows how hard this is for me and they are, of course, trying to look at the bright side -- its their job. After all, the surgeon did say it was only a possibility. It is the best spinal rehab center in the country, I would know what to expect. I did it before and I can do it again...

I don't want to go there, and it is clouding my vision so much I am hardly able to think about the surgery.

I sat in the waiting room at Toronto Western Hospital as I had done many times before, distracting myself with my iPad. I had a spinal lumbar decompression surgery four months ago and for the first time in twenty years I was pain free, but it didn't last. I had about four weeks of freedom from pain and the hope I felt was intoxicating.

I was following a strict protocol of recovery and finally was able to go outside for a stroll. It was the most beautiful day and I was totally enjoying being outside and walking by the lake with my daughter, husband and my dog Whinnie.

Suddenly, without any warning I went over on my ankle. It hurt so much! I tried to roll it back but it was as though it was somebody else's foot. It didn't respond. Everything changed that day. The pain started again. And now I'm back at Toronto Western.

I was lead into the doctor's office and met with two Surgical Fellows. They asked a lot of questions, scanned the x-ray, and MRI. Having spent many years dealing with doctors I wasn't shy so I started asking questions. It was clear they felt I would require more surgery and I wasn't surprised.

My doctor came in and once we started talking, it was obvious this situation was far more severe than either the Fellows had suspected or I had even considered. I would not be a small corrective surgery but a full reconstructive surgery. It would require a week in hospital and an extensive recovery.

My heart sank and I tried to keep prospective. I couldn't even look at my husband. I felt him beside me and I knew our disappointment was equaled by my usually stoic neurosurgeon. He apologized that I would have to go through such extensive surgery. I told him I trusted him, and I do.

The final blow came when he told me I should be prepared for the possibility of time in rehab afterward.

Tears filled my eyes and I barely held my composure.

I'm about to embark on my third neurosurgery. God help me.