I would certainly say this is a readjusting period for me. I had a surgery in September that was not easy, but it certainly left me feeling better than I had felt for years. That was for about a month. I was basking in the feeling of having fewer restrictions. I could sit longer, stand longer and walk longer. I wasn't anywhere near going to the gym or living like the average person my age but compared to before the surgery I felt wonderful. I was truly grateful for the break from constant pain.

That changed for me on a beautiful fall evening when I decided to get out of the house with Jerri and Barry and of course Whinnie. We had a goal of a fifteen minute walk. It wasn't long into the walk when I went over on my ankle in a very unusual way. It wasn't a trip, I hadn't stumbled, it just happened. What was even more bizarre was as I was looking down at it I couldn't make it move. My ankle stayed that way for what seemed like an eternity, as much as I tried to fix it, it didn't co-operate. Finally I was able to stand again. Barry and Jerri questioned what had just happened, wondering what I had tripped on. Secretly I knew there was a problem, my swollen sprained ankle was the very least of my concern.

When you have a spinal cord injury the signal sometimes doesn't get to the brain. This can mean a quick mishap, like a fall, or I can't always pee when I need to and various other things. It usually corrects itself fairly quickly.

This was different because it left me with back pain, leg pain, and inflamed nerves. I tried to carry on with the hope I had before this happened.

When I went to Toronto for my surgery follow up, the cat was out of the bag. After a brief examination it was clear that I was dealing with a bigger problem. Nerve conduction testing, MRI, and neurological testing confirmed that there are many different areas of nerve entrapment and two discs that have to be removed and replaced with artificial discs as well as rods and screws. For all you medically inclined here is the link that shows an animation of the procedure. 

This is a big surgery, period. However for someone with a spinal injury it adds risk and the recovery is much longer.

This is not the outcome I wanted, not by a long shot. It is what I have to do if I want to try to experience that elusive feeling of freedom I experienced this fall. It was a short period of time but it left me wanting more. I want to have a little more freedom, a little less pain and most importantly not live under the threat of paralysis. Choosing not to have the surgery would be a wait and see game and I'm a proactive person, so surgery it is!

Today is about doing my best. Barry has been encouraging me to go to Aqua Fit classes for a while now, and so has my doctor if the truth be known. I'm not totally against it, it is just that I have a number of legitimate excuses as to why not.

I guess the first is my deep seated memory of being in spinal rehab and spending hours in the pool as part of my rehabilitation. The second is that I don't really like getting wet, unless of course there is a sandy beach involved. The most compelling reason is, this winter it actually hit -40 Celsius here. Now seriously folks who would want to leave their cozy fireplace in the family room, in the dark of night, which arrives at 4.30pm and get into a pool. Not me!

Pain and lack of sleep are also not the best motivators so I have been dragging my heels.

On Saturday the clocks changed and it is almost 7.30pm before the sun sets. The temperatures are all above zero and the sun has been shining for days. So what was my most legitimate reason is gone.

I had been asking my Physio if I could try yoga again right up until about a month ago and at that time he said I was close but not ready. He doesn't have to tell me now, I can't even do most of my Physio stretches anymore. But I know for sure yoga is one of the things I'm looking forward to most when I can do it again. I asked about Aqua fit, I got a tentative okay, but don't overdo it.

I saw my doctor and asked about Aqua Fit, he laughed and told me to be careful but to give it a try. I had to laugh back because he said for safety sake to make sure Barry is with me!

We had our first session and I lasted twenty minutes of a 45 minute session, and I have to admit is was painful even though there was no impact. I spent another twenty minutes in the therapy pool and tried to keep moving slowly. The next day I was a little worse in the morning but absolutely no bad affects after that. Guess where Barry and I are headed again tonight?

One of my readers pointed out that she doesn't have physical pain, but does have more than her share of emotional pain. From what I am learning though my own research and the Mindfulness course I am doing, there is a very strong link between both.

Those of us who feel more physical pain (in particular fibromyalgia patients) can usually track back to its onset, and see that we were dealing with a very difficult time emotionally. So what I want to say to those reading who live with chronic emotional turmoil, do your best to deal with it, or else you may be adding chronic physical pain to your emotional distress. In fact there are people in our chronic pain class that are there for emotional pain alone. Meditation does help both. In his book The End of Stress as We Know It, Dr. Bruce S. McEwen, states that prolonged or severe stress can actually weaken the immune system, strain your heart, damage memory cells in your brain, and deposit fat at your waist and buttocks which is a risk factor for heart disease and cancer. Stress also has been implicated in irritable bowel disease, aging, depression heart disease, rheumatoid arthritis, diabetes, just to name a few. So having stress as an inevitable part of your day is not to be taken lightly. You are setting yourself up to become sick.

The sun is shining and that helps with mood especially after the long winter we have had. Although I can't go for a walk, I think it is only a short time away till I can sit on the deck while writing and reading.

I have also recently learned that taking vitamin D can help with chronic pain. It appears as though this vitamin has many benefits. We all know how it affects mood and is said to help prevent cancer - and now pain relief. It is worth looking into. It is effective only when taken in large doses so you need to read the specifics around it before taking it. I have heard from a doctor not to take it if you have sarcoidosis or are prone to kidney stones. So unfortunately that leaves me out.

With spring around the corner I am finding myself feeling the hope of a good summer. I love to garden, fish and be out on the boat taking pictures. That's my goal moving forward, to think about what I want for the future and plan on it.

Today started in an omg kind of way. I had an appointment at the hospital for physiotherapy one hour before I was scheduled to do a half shift of Pet therapy - at the same hospital.

Let me back up a bit. If you have been reading along, you know I have been having poor concentration because of lack of sleep. I would have never scheduled both on the same day, let alone within an hour of each other.

I haven't done a pet therapy shift in a couple of weeks and really wanted to get back to it, as I know I will be missing it so much after my surgery. The accommodation they made for me to be able to go was so kind. Someone set up for me, I didn't have to walk far, and Mary agreed to take half of the shift so it wasn't too long for me. I was all set. That is until I made the Physio appointment for right before. It didn't leave me enough time in between to go home and get the dog. With a clear head I would have spotted this problem and fix it while there was still time, but blinded by lack of sleep and pain, I now had a dilemma. Once again I am thankful for Jerri. Her young brain put it together for me. She would take me to Physio, bring the dog, and while I was at Physio she walked Whinnie and brought her back just in time for her pet therapy stint. It was fantastic shift that was very busy with a diverse group of doctors, nurses, patients and visitors. Whinnie and I loved being on duty again and it was honestly great to get out of the house and feel the sun shine on me.

I was able to do something I love because of the selfless acts of kindness from others. Thank you Mary for accommodating me and taking a half shift and thank you Jerri for driving me all over. Both of you make it look easy when I know it would have just been easier on everyone, if I had just stayed home. But because you did that for me I was able to be there today to allow many the comfort of Whinnie. Not to mention the sense of purpose and infusion of positivity it brings to my life.

Is there ever something that somebody does for you, that you don't even know how to thank them for? That happened in this house yesterday. Let me explain.

It's been months now since I was first diagnosed with spinal stenosis and I had surgery this past September. The pain is intermittent in my back, but more potently down my leg and into my foot. When it is active, that's the only way I can describe what happens; it is difficult and sometimes impossible to walk.

I have a lot of little jobs; therefore they have been piling up around the house for that day when the pain is not too bad. The trouble is, that day doesn't seem to be coming. One such job is my laundry room.

Sounds lame, I know. If you have seen my laundry you would understand. It is larger than most and has a smaller room/storage area off of it. It is downstairs, and most days the stairs are a challenge and some days they feel impossible. So we have developed a system. There's an area at the top of the stairs where I leave things for my family to bring down for me. In theory this works very well. When I go down my hands are then free and I have less chance of a fall. Under normal circumstances I go down into the laundry room and put all the various items where they belong. It wasn't the most organized place to start with so you can imagine the mess it was in.

Everyone has one of those rooms in their houses, or at least I think they do, where we hide the "stuff". Mine was the laundry room. Anything we couldn't find a home for got "temporarily" put there. It had gotten so out of hand, that even when I did feel okay, it was too much for me.

Yesterday Jerri and I tackled it! I lasted about an hour and at that point it looked like a bomb had gone off. I needed to lie down so I suggested we come back to it tomorrow. Off I went upstairs to retreat. Ice pack, heating pad and EMS later, I was feeling a little better. I ventured back downstairs and it was done!

It looks clean, fresh and inviting again. There's a large table in there, and there's nothing on it, can't remember the last time I saw the top of that table. Counters are clear and the cupboards are full. I wanted to cry with gratitude. What a gift.

It's hard enough to sort through your own mess, let alone someone else's. So today my beautiful daughter was of service, not just by being helpful, but by being truly there to serve. I had written about the difference in a previous post after reading this article. It really got me thinking about the difference. 

Part of giving is the willingness of the person to receive. I allowed that all to happen yesterday and received it with open arms. I think there is a lesson to be learned in everything. The old me would have had to been down there while it all happened. Giving up a little control was a huge gain for me.

So thank you Jerri for your selfless act of generosity. You showed your old Mom that it is okay to let go of some of that control once in a while, and allow others to do for you.

There's a lot of loss with chronic pain. The loss of abilities, the loss of jobs, the loss of independence but somehow for me the loss of credibility is the worst.

At any given time one of my family members can say, I told you that, or you didn't tell us that and I don't have a leg to stand on. Frustrating as that is we have learned to laugh about it when we can.

Yesterday was one of those times. Barry and I were balancing our monthly budget and going through our credit card together to reconcile it. There were some purchases of mine on there and I had money set aside for them. That's were the trouble started. I confidently said I had already given him the money. It was in a small white envelope, I explained. I had been it carrying around in my purse and it was no longer there. I had gone through my purse two or three times. I could picture the exchange. We were in the car I told him, because we were talking about what a great deal I had gotten on the winter jacket. Yes, he did remember the conversation but no, I hadn't given him the money.

Well, I reasoned, if I hadn't given him that envelope where was it?

Then a shred of doubt entered my mind. I couldn't be sure. But when could I be sure really, my mind feels like mush when I'm in pain. Then I did what I often do when I am looking for something. I said a silent prayer, well more like a plead really, to St. Anthony. He is after all the patron saint of lost things. As with so many other times, my mind cleared, I walked into the bedroom, into my top drawer, and pulled out two hundred bucks.

Sheepishly, I walked out to the kitchen and handed it over to Barry. As I apologized he smiled and said, "No problem, I finally win some arguments now that you can't remember anything".

Thankfully we can both laugh at that!

The 3AM monster had me by the hand last night and was leading me through the darkness into the pit of fear. I had gotten into bed exhausted and then lay there waiting to sleep. It was not happening and I had used all of my tricks. I had taken Magnesium to help me relax, made sure all light is out of the room, I wasn't too warm (which often keeps me awake or wakes me). I had tried the sleep mediations and it was one of those nights that nothing was working. I had been having some pretty big naps so it wasn't a total surprise I wasn't able to sleep through the pain.

As I was laying there I was thinking about the surgery and allowed my honest feelings to surface.

I'm scared. Scared of the pain I will endure and the length of time I will be dealing with that kind of intensity. However what my most prevalent feeling is a sense of defeat. I had always been proud of the fact that I was able to walk away from a spinal cord rehab centre. Walk away! Granted it was with the aid of a walker but I did walk away. These feelings surfaced briefly in the neurosurgeon's office but I had been pushing them down. In the dark of the night it isn't as easy to dismiss or redirect those feelings. Losing mobility changes everything, and I had gotten it back once. So I'm lying there thinking about what could go wrong, and unfortunately I have real life experience of what happens when a neurosurgery goes wrong.

Let's just say there's a reason I don't allow myself the indulgence of self pity, it doesn't go well. Finally I slapped myself across the face, obviously not literally but it woke me up. I realized I was heading down the road to despair with the flourish of a drunken sailor reaching for another rum.

I promptly got up out of bed and texted to see if my sweet Meg was still up studying for exams and walked out to the living room quieting closing the bedroom door behind me. Meg was awake and we had a nice chat and even through we didn't talk in depth, I suddenly didn't feel so alone in the world. The sound of her voice in the quiet of the night brought me back to reality and living in the moment.

The cycle of negativity was broken and I was back on track again but I didn't want to risk going back into that train of thought again. I needed a distraction! I turned on the television and watched the latest episode of Nashville. There's nothing a little music (even though it's country) and drama can't take your mind off. It felt strangely satisfying to be awake watching a guilty pleasure. I thought about making some popcorn, but really, that would be pushing it wouldn't it?