As I was laying there I was thinking about the surgery and allowed my honest feelings to surface.
I'm scared. Scared of the pain I will endure and the length of time I will be dealing with that kind of intensity. However what my most prevalent feeling is a sense of defeat. I had always been proud of the fact that I was able to walk away from a spinal cord rehab centre. Walk away! Granted it was with the aid of a walker but I did walk away. These feelings surfaced briefly in the neurosurgeon's office but I had been pushing them down. In the dark of the night it isn't as easy to dismiss or redirect those feelings. Losing mobility changes everything, and I had gotten it back once. So I'm lying there thinking about what could go wrong, and unfortunately I have real life experience of what happens when a neurosurgery goes wrong.
Let's just say there's a reason I don't allow myself the indulgence of self pity, it doesn't go well. Finally I slapped myself across the face, obviously not literally but it woke me up. I realized I was heading down the road to despair with the flourish of a drunken sailor reaching for another rum.
I promptly got up out of bed and texted to see if my sweet Meg was still up studying for exams and walked out to the living room quieting closing the bedroom door behind me. Meg was awake and we had a nice chat and even through we didn't talk in depth, I suddenly didn't feel so alone in the world. The sound of her voice in the quiet of the night brought me back to reality and living in the moment.
The cycle of negativity was broken and I was back on track again but I didn't want to risk going back into that train of thought again. I needed a distraction! I turned on the television and watched the latest episode of Nashville. There's nothing a little music (even though it's country) and drama can't take your mind off. It felt strangely satisfying to be awake watching a guilty pleasure. I thought about making some popcorn, but really, that would be pushing it wouldn't it?