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Day 100. A note from the patients' room.

6/2/2015

10 Comments

 
Family update: yesterday was another milestone day. Mom was discharged from the ICU and released to a Neuro step down unit. It feels excellent to head to the 5th floor instead of the second, to not have to be let in by security to visit and not have more than just family on the floor. There are even windows! The paperwork will begin today for a release to rehab centre.

And speaking of milestones, the blog has reached day 100! It had been quite a journey. Mom could not miss this milestone so wrote a blog of her own for today.


Day 100. A note from the patients room.
By the patient herself


Hello friends, family and blogs readers.  It has been quite an eventful five days.  I cannot believe that kind of time has passed.  I feel the closure of ICU.  It was exactly what I needed when I needed it; however it is a part of my immediate past I am oh so willing to let go of.  I will write more on it later because, as always, I learned a lot.

Your notes, letters, comments and blog writings have been read, and reread to me.  I enjoyed them each and every time as though it was the first time I heard them.  I'm easily entertained at the moment and my family are taking advantage of that. 

I am finally in a Neuro step down unit and Dr. Fehlings has started the transition to move me to rehab.  Having had a heart to heart via cellphone with him on Saturday, he felt certain it was necessary for me to stay in Toronto in an inpatient rehabilitation centre. I felt certain if it was going to be a rehab centre, than I wanted to have Lyndhurst as my first choice.  Having spent my time there years ago it actually takes a little of the sting out of having to do inpatient rehab at all.  Besides, I've done the hard work of facing my PTSD fears from my last experience down this road, so I've got a bone to pick with with this process.  Seriously I want to get on with this next step and hopefully work some magic on it. 

I am so very happy I allowed myself the privileged brief time of "what if?"  Because when I opened my eyes from surgery and did the wiggle of my toes for the first time and they didn't move, I died a little bit right there on that bed.  I felt a hot tear slip down my cheek and within minutes a nurse was asking why I was crying.  I couldn't believe she could ask such a heartless question but then I remembered, only I knew.  She only wanted to help, give me pain relief or comfort, but I needed much more.

By the time the Neuro team came by I had myself together to a degree.  I did all their testing.  Very extensive testing. It continued hourly through the night, there was an emergency CT scan just to be sure there was nothing obvious, which thankfully there was not, as they were ready to go back into surgery that night. 

Over the course of the night little by little I got something back.  First it was my left toes, then left foot, then left calf and something up patchy parts of the left leg.  Finally, well into the night, I had feeling of some kind in the right foot.  Once it started I was emotionally okay.  I mean just okay, but that thread of hope is as bright as the sun shining down on a sparkling fresh fallen snow.  It is intoxicating to me, and it is empowering beyond any meaning of that word I have ever known.  I have known this feeling only once before, and at that time, it was the same reason.  Man that saying give her an inch and she'll take a foot sure fits. 

I wanted to scream. I smiled and felt a sense of calmness for a moment.  I reassured the tired eyes of those earnest young doctors who were up all day operating then waking me hourly for a twenty five minute test. As I learned in my call with Dr Fehlings they then called him to discuss the hourly update. We had a moment.  I told them I'm going to be okay.  I can do this.  You guys did good.  They took it.  I saw them standing before me like somebody's sons and daughters.  They needed to know they won this one.  They had, and they will.  I just have to live up to it now.  My work begins now.  Theirs is done.

10 Comments
Barry
6/2/2015 08:48:02 am

I've read this blog a few times now and the last couple paragraphs choke me up each time. Maybe it's because I witnessed a small part of it, or maybe it's because you were alone for the "moment of truth". Either way, I know that the young-gun doctors did not hide their concern for you as well as they thought they did, and that you connected with them in a pretty deep way at a difficult time. Good job putting it all into words for us.

Reply
Loretta
6/2/2015 11:50:39 am

I'm so grateful that you are writing this blog as it allows those of us who love you and care to follow your journey. I can just see you in that bed encouraging those young doctors as they put you through the emotional and physical wringer that night. Your ability to connect with people makes everyone want to try just a bit harder or be a bit better person for you. Keep up the good work, Clout family.

Reply
Maureen
6/2/2015 01:09:30 pm

Settling down here tonight after a long hard taxing day. Tomorrow will be a little brighter. Thanks everyone.

Reply
Julie
6/2/2015 03:21:04 pm

Maureen, Loretta said it: Knowing you really does make us want to be better people.
We are here for all of you. Thanks for this blog..

Reply
Mike
6/2/2015 05:53:21 pm

Brought a tear to my eye when I read this. Was a bit concerned when there was a problem with your leg, but ecstatic to read that you're all good now and on the up. Now looking forward to reading all about the recovery, rehab and return home.

Reply
Mary
6/3/2015 02:35:37 am

Well written Maureen,I didn't expect to to see you on here for awhile yet.
You're personality shines through once again.
You have been going through so much during this past week and you still manage to look at those young Doctors as if they were your own grown children,so concerned about their feelings. Love you xo


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Carolyn
6/3/2015 01:11:54 pm

So moving to be drawn into this journey with you to witness, through this blog, your courage, strength and resilience. You must feel emotionally exhausted at times. Remember we are rallying for you and hope our positive thoughts can be your blanket when you need warmth (or a hug) and your wings when you need hope. Namaste, a salute to your fighting spirit!

Reply
Margie
6/3/2015 04:26:32 pm

What a vivid recount of such an excruciating night, a tiny glimpse of your experience while it is still so fresh.

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Gert Strickland
6/4/2015 11:17:12 am

Hats off to you Maureen - you are a real trooper and an inspiration to many. So glad you are doing well - you are definitely a fighter and a good one at that. Your family are so awesome it is obvious they got your back - you are a great team. XO

Reply
Jimmie James
6/5/2015 05:16:23 pm

Positive breathes positive.
And you are sharing a lot of positive with all of us that read your blogs.
There is an important message into these blogs that your are putting out there for all of us to mull over in our heads.
Somewhere out there (ALWAYS)someone always seem to have it a lot worst

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    Maureen Clout

    I'm going in for a 4th neurosurgery; this time it's a repair to my lumbar fusion. Here, I will post my daily updates on dealing with diagnosis, surgery and recovery. Join me on my journey.

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