Waiting. Waiting is a killer. I hate to wait because I love to plan. I like to know what's up for the next few months. I don't like it when our family plans are on hold because we don't know when my surgery will be, other than likely April.
There are a number of things coming up in the next few months that I would love to be able to plan to attend. My mother's apartment will be cleaned out during the next month and I would dearly love to be there for that. I know for sure that won't happen, as I know that will be too much for me at this time.
I can see the family doing this with the memories that surround it and it pains me not to be there.
Our dear friend's daughter who we are close to, is getting married. It is sure to be a grand affair with a ton of sentiment and loveliness. I want to say of course we will be there, how could we not. Unfortunately I'm unsure. I may actually be in Toronto where the wedding is taking place but in a hospital or rehab centre. If that's the case at least my family can attend. Or if not too much of an intrusion, I will in the condition I am in.
Finally, and most complicated is my brother is getting married in a small ceremony in Newfoundland in July. I can see myself there, I can feel us being a part of all of the festivities however we cannot plan on it. We could buy tickets and get insurance, however it is a preexisting condition therefore no insurance company will refund the money if we cannot make it. Having a ticket right now may put as much pressure on me as not having one, so I might as well save the money. It doesn't feel very good knowing my entire family will be there and I likely won't be.
These events are all important to me and not just something I would "like" to do. I have tried to attach the mindfulness attitude to the situation and remember it just is. How can I ask why, there is no answer for that. It just is.
So I will change waiting, to just being.
There are a number of things coming up in the next few months that I would love to be able to plan to attend. My mother's apartment will be cleaned out during the next month and I would dearly love to be there for that. I know for sure that won't happen, as I know that will be too much for me at this time.
I can see the family doing this with the memories that surround it and it pains me not to be there.
Our dear friend's daughter who we are close to, is getting married. It is sure to be a grand affair with a ton of sentiment and loveliness. I want to say of course we will be there, how could we not. Unfortunately I'm unsure. I may actually be in Toronto where the wedding is taking place but in a hospital or rehab centre. If that's the case at least my family can attend. Or if not too much of an intrusion, I will in the condition I am in.
Finally, and most complicated is my brother is getting married in a small ceremony in Newfoundland in July. I can see myself there, I can feel us being a part of all of the festivities however we cannot plan on it. We could buy tickets and get insurance, however it is a preexisting condition therefore no insurance company will refund the money if we cannot make it. Having a ticket right now may put as much pressure on me as not having one, so I might as well save the money. It doesn't feel very good knowing my entire family will be there and I likely won't be.
These events are all important to me and not just something I would "like" to do. I have tried to attach the mindfulness attitude to the situation and remember it just is. How can I ask why, there is no answer for that. It just is.
So I will change waiting, to just being.
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