Everything is such an effort. It takes so much energy to do just about anything. In my mind I feel capable of much more than I can actually do. I start things and soon see it is way more difficult than it used to be. Taking a shower is a good example. When I shower I usually have to take several breaks before I am showered, dressed and have my hair done. It wasn't a consideration before it just happened as a twenty minute part of my day. Some days now I am so exhausted from the shower that a nap is required before I attempt anything else.
It is not just the physical exhaustion I feel. Being emotional fragile is a very complex thing. It comes with a medical crisis as well as an emotional one.
I remember helping someone through a very tough time after a tragic loss. She was raw. It had been many days since the event and she seemingly was doing better; that was until we went out in public. There was a small insignificant thing that happened at the grocery store. When I saw her reaction, I knew she wasn't ready for the real world yet. I told her. It is a very fluid situation. Things change from day to day and sometimes from hour to hour, it takes time and patience to come back to your true self.
I experienced my own "not ready for the real world" situations in the last two days. Yesterday it was a very physical reaction. My sister Mary, daughter Meghan, and I decided to go browse around Vested Interest, which is a lovely store right here in Callander. The walker would not be a good fit for the store, so we decided I would experiment with the cane. At first I insisted they go on without me, but they wouldn't hear of it. The were encouraging as well as reassuring. They said we could stay for a short time, and leave when and if I needed too. I happily went along.
I wasn't there long when I realized I was too unsteady and fatigued to be out in public with only a cane.
A lovely staff member helped me find a chair and brought a pillow while I waited for them to finish. It seemingly wasn't a big deal. But for me it felt a bit like failure. I don't like to go there because it isn't helpful. It wasn't just while I was at the store, it was very evident when I got home as well. It was way too much for me. A day later I can see it was not a big deal but something I needed to see for myself. There was a lesson, I was getting ahead of myself. I need to slow down.
Today it was time for Mary, Sam and Merlo to pack up and head back to Ottawa. It was wonderful to have them here and hard to see them leave. Next week they will head to Newfoundland for my brother's wedding and to celebrate my mother's 88th birthday. If there was ever a question of me being able to make that wedding, it clearly has been answered and that answer is sadly, no.
As much as I have wanted to be there and dreamt of different ways it might work. I cannot be there for David and Marilyn at this time. It just wasn't meant to be. My mother is understanding and supportive and calls me daily if I haven't call her. I will be the only family member out of all eleven siblings who will not be there, but she gets it. She knows how hard it is for me and wants to call me daily to support and encourage me to keep my recovery, my priority.
I'm plugging along and have to give myself a pep talk once in a while to get through it all. I know it will be better each and every day and in a month I will be able to see a lot of progress, but for now I have to slow down and let my body lead the way.
It is not just the physical exhaustion I feel. Being emotional fragile is a very complex thing. It comes with a medical crisis as well as an emotional one.
I remember helping someone through a very tough time after a tragic loss. She was raw. It had been many days since the event and she seemingly was doing better; that was until we went out in public. There was a small insignificant thing that happened at the grocery store. When I saw her reaction, I knew she wasn't ready for the real world yet. I told her. It is a very fluid situation. Things change from day to day and sometimes from hour to hour, it takes time and patience to come back to your true self.
I experienced my own "not ready for the real world" situations in the last two days. Yesterday it was a very physical reaction. My sister Mary, daughter Meghan, and I decided to go browse around Vested Interest, which is a lovely store right here in Callander. The walker would not be a good fit for the store, so we decided I would experiment with the cane. At first I insisted they go on without me, but they wouldn't hear of it. The were encouraging as well as reassuring. They said we could stay for a short time, and leave when and if I needed too. I happily went along.
I wasn't there long when I realized I was too unsteady and fatigued to be out in public with only a cane.
A lovely staff member helped me find a chair and brought a pillow while I waited for them to finish. It seemingly wasn't a big deal. But for me it felt a bit like failure. I don't like to go there because it isn't helpful. It wasn't just while I was at the store, it was very evident when I got home as well. It was way too much for me. A day later I can see it was not a big deal but something I needed to see for myself. There was a lesson, I was getting ahead of myself. I need to slow down.
Today it was time for Mary, Sam and Merlo to pack up and head back to Ottawa. It was wonderful to have them here and hard to see them leave. Next week they will head to Newfoundland for my brother's wedding and to celebrate my mother's 88th birthday. If there was ever a question of me being able to make that wedding, it clearly has been answered and that answer is sadly, no.
As much as I have wanted to be there and dreamt of different ways it might work. I cannot be there for David and Marilyn at this time. It just wasn't meant to be. My mother is understanding and supportive and calls me daily if I haven't call her. I will be the only family member out of all eleven siblings who will not be there, but she gets it. She knows how hard it is for me and wants to call me daily to support and encourage me to keep my recovery, my priority.
I'm plugging along and have to give myself a pep talk once in a while to get through it all. I know it will be better each and every day and in a month I will be able to see a lot of progress, but for now I have to slow down and let my body lead the way.
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