It's been two nights since we got the news that I will need another surgery. When we wake up it feels okay for that first minute before this realization hits. It almost makes me feel sick. I am somewhere between disbelief and screaming. This was supposed to be the downhill run. It was almost over. How can this be happening all over again?
Those are my thoughts, my feelings, yet I know sometime in the not so distant future, I have to summons the courage to stand up straight, push those shoulders back and do it all over again.
In a past post I had talked about the need to feel the pain and work through it before trying to put on the positive face of moving forward. I guess this is the working through stage. It is painful. I don't understand how this complication had to happen and I don't want to go through all of the acute pain and recovery again. With a piece of metal headed for my spinal cord, I don't really have a choice. They have to do whatever it takes. I have to live through it. My family have to witness it....all over again.
Our lives have not been easy this year. It's been over a year already of dealing with extreme pain and surgeries. This started in it's intensity last spring. I had the first surgery on September 9th. The recovery was good until a disc slipped forward and it became clear my spine would not be stable without screws and rods. At that point I knew without doubt, I needed the surgery. I was having a lot of pain again. I could also feel the movement in my back and it scared me. The pain in my legs became increasingly worse as time went on.
The second surgery, this past one, was a major one. It was several hours long, between six and seven hours. There was a lot damage, even more than an MRI can show, so it took longer than expected. I knew going in that because of my spinal cord injury, there could be a longer more complicated recovery time. It was exactly what happened. Thankfully my expectations were reasonable.
I'm about to prepare for another long intense surgery and recovery, I'm at a loss for words because right now we are working through the feelings.
Tomorrow's blog I will detail all three surgeries, because it is confusing, and many of you have asked for explanations. For now I will sign off and try to find my way through this so I can come out the other end with some courage to get through this again.