I had to think about why I was feeling like this before even opening my eyes. Then it all flooded back.
The appointment, the four hour car ride home and the many discussions with friends and family. I had a fitful night's sleep; I had to take extra medication to help me ease the pain of the drive home. It did help me sleep better than I would have, given what was on my mind.
I muddled through the day, not doing very much as I was exhausted and still in considerable pain. I did manage to get groceries with my daughter but then had a three hour nap. I have used meditation in the past to help cope with pain and stress, so I meditated three times today. I can't say I was very mindful but I am faking it until I make it now.
I am stuck on the rehab part of this equation. I had spent three months in rehab after a major spinal surgery over ten years ago and I still have nightmares about it. It was by far the hardest time of my life. Who would ever go back to the hardest time of their lives? I had blocked it out and thought it was in the past and here it is again.....in my face.
My family knows how hard this is for me and they are, of course, trying to look at the bright side -- its their job. After all, the surgeon did say it was only a possibility. It is the best spinal rehab center in the country, I would know what to expect. I did it before and I can do it again...
I don't want to go there, and it is clouding my vision so much I am hardly able to think about the surgery.