I joined weight watchers yesterday. Yes, weight watchers. I have gained five pounds with each surgery and I haven't been able to get it off. So if you're doing the math, I've added another 15 pounds to the five foot frame which wasn't at it's peak to start with. A sedentary lifestyle does that to a person, and for that I can honestly say I had no choice.
I looked around the room and heard reference to losing seventy and eighty pounds. It overwhelmed me to even think of having to do that. It made me feel better about my goal of just getting that extra fifteen off and going from there. I felt in awe of these people and how much work that must have been. I have the feeling right now of wanting to treat myself and my body a little better. I do have a lot on my plate right now, but I feel it can't wait a minute longer. Besides, my sister Val has started a landslide of sorts. She joined Weight watchers, then three of my sisters joined her, now me and my friend Mary. So we have a club of six to confer with.
The other place I feel inspiration is at my outpatient rehab centre. I struggle to go every week. I'm sore, in pain, stiff and don't want to add to it. I wake up knowing it's the day to go and it doesn't motivate me much. I get there and watching others makes me feel as though I have what it takes to go this. My physiotherapist and anesthesiologist are so encouraging, they make me feel like a rock star at rehab. I should be, I've had enough practice!! I guess my impatience comes across as willingness. I am willing to do what's asked of me because I trust they are moving me forward and that's where I want to be. Many people complain, I hear them. I just know there is no way out of this without rehab, so complaining will not help, I just do it!
And finally, the most unusual inspiration came to me this week from the most unlikely source. I'm not much of a sports fan but I do love baseball. I played myself when I was in my late teens and twenties. I even played provincially on a rep team. Eventually I went on to be league president and had my own team. It was a time of great fun and comradery for me. Believe it or not my nick name was Scooter cause I could run so fast. Seems ironic now.
When my girls started playing ball I coached for eight or nine years. So with the Blue Jays winning this year and Jerri in Toronto at the ball game, we sat to watch game five of the series. It is going down in history as the most unusual hard fought game.
On Wednesday the Toronto Blue Jays went into game 5 against the Texas Rangers tied. they had fought hard to get there, they had lost the first two games and came back to win the next two. This of course meant they had to win this game. Hearing the team members interviewed they were aware of the predicament but sounding good. Things didn't really go their way as by the seventh inning they were once again tied. Fighting hard all the way, they were back to square one again! I know the feeling!!
"Game 5 of Toronto’s first baseball playoff series in 22 years, against the Texas Rangers, was tied 2-2, a tense game, a nerves game. With a man on third Jays catcher Russell Martin went to throw a ball back to the pitcher. Rangers right-fielder Shin Soo-Choo was stretching out his left arm straight across home plate, adjusting his elbow pad. The throw hit the bat. The man on third, Rougned Odor, came home." Toronto Star
Something like this has never happened in baseball history. Time was called, it was replayed and decided the run counted. The fans went wild. The emotions were unleashed and later termed so "unCanadian." Well Canadians have emotions too, we save the expression of those negative emotions for when it counts. We aren't spewing them all over, all the time like some countries we know....eh hem.
Same can be said of those of us in pain and struggling in any way. If you're a stoic person and you crack a little, get a little angry or frustrated and show it, people are shocked.
Look at the Blue Jays and their fans. They had a hard fought battle to even get to that game and fought hard again to tie it up, then were hit with some unknown rule and were pounced on again.
That's how it feels for those of us who have had surgeries, illnesses, and loses, that keep coming and coming again.
You can start off hopeful, having faith that everything will be well, better even; then getting hit with obstacles time and time again can piss you off a little. Emotions you've held inside leak out and everyone is so surprised because you're such a positive person. Well, being a positive person doesn't mean you are not human. It means, like everyone else you have a limit.
I'm reminded of the reader who shared her story of cancer. She said she came to dread visitors. If she wasn't in the "best" mood she ended up reassuring them and putting on a happy face.
Back to the Blue Jays. When the fans behaved badly, throwing beer cans into the field, it was one of their own that settled them down. The more senior players came out of the dugout and settled the fans down.
It's the same in the game of recovery. The team around you is as important as the patient. They are there to cheer us on, give the support and of course calm us and get us back on track if we go of course. They don't blame us for getting off course, cause they have seen it all and know the emotions because they feel them too.
Just like at that game, the police couldn't get the fans back on track it was a player who was feeling the same.
They continued to play ball, not defeated but determined! The difference between defeat and determination; determination is when you know you have everyone around you rooting for you, defeat happens when you feel alone.
"And with men at the corners and two outs and a 1-1 count and the building on its feet, Jose Bautista smashed a 97 mph Sam Dyson fastball 442 feet to left, a rocket, gone. He stood there, 34 years old, and he watched it go and looked at the pitcher and pursed his lips and flipped his bat aside like a king, like he would never need it again. They may erect a statue of that bat flip. It was the biggest home run in this building in 22 years, and you will tell your friends about it, and you will laugh in disbelief, years from now. Holy bleep, you’ll say. The sound was a crack, whole and pure, and then the raucous end of the world." Toronto Star
They won the game in spite of everything that happened, and I have only outlined the main details. Just as with recovery there are so many details and hurdles to get through we don't share it all with friends or even our closest supporters. So, sometimes when patience is thin or there's a crack in the armour, there are a lot of underlying reasons, not just what you can see.
We only need look to the Jays to see, you can fall down many times but it is always possible to come back!