The process of dying, and the death of my Mother, was as hard as I had imagined it would be.
She was so loved, by so many. It's one of those things; you know it is coming, you try to prepare for it, but really there is nothing that prepares you for the loss of your Mother. Her unconditional love is like none other. Not to say you can't be loved unconditionally by others, but a Mother is unique. One that will be missed daily.
For those of you who have not experienced grief, it is a weird altered view of the world. It's as though something shifted, and only you and those around you know about it, because the world keeps going. You, on the other hand have stopped in your tracks, at least for a while. Being out in a store, restaurant etc. feels surreal, you look around and everyone else is doing there normal things. But you are in a fog. What was particularly obvious to us this time was the number of people who are flying to, or from a funeral. I truly never noticed it before. This time there was a lot of travel involved for us. Just the four of us from our family had 48 take offs and landings in ten days. We spent a lot of time in airports and saw a lot of greetings and good byes. There is a lot of grief, it turns out, in airports. Flying was particularly different for me. On our last flight I was in so much pain I stood up for a good part of the flight.
As far as the grief goes, I'm not pushing it down or trying to control it. I know only too well the only way through pain, is just that, through it. You can't positive attitude yourself past it. Having a positive attitude while you are going through it is different and very helpful.
In this world we live in, many believe the only emotions one should have are positive. Not true. It's funny to hear people say, live in the moment but insist upon the positive. Some moments are not that positive, let's face it. Hanging onto negative is not good for you; but feeling real emotion even if is hurts, makes you angry, sad, or miserable for awhile, is authentic and necessary. Feeling richly -- is living.
With that all said. I have made some small goals for myself. To leave the house daily. To see friends when the opportunity arises, and to walk daily. That's small I know but it is holding myself accountable for at least that much, because honestly I feel like doing nothing. What I have learned though is once I'm doing these things I feel better.
As we all know emotional pain does one of two things; silences the physical pain temporarily, or enhances it. I had a bit of both. While in Moms presence I never felt it, but when I would leave the hospital it was in full force. Walking on hospital floors is brutal for back and knee pain. One of my siblings is also struggling now with increased pain, it is so hard to get it under control in this situation.
I will remind everyone of some of the things that help. Start with the basics, ice, heat and topical rubs. Move on to therapies that work for you such as, acupuncture, Physio, chiropractor etc. Exercise, and take general care of yourself such as eating well, seeing friends and meditation and reflection.
Life moves on and we move with it, doing it with grace and dignity is the challenge. I'm up for the challenge. I know I have a secret weapon in all of my challenges now because there's another Angel in my corner.